Miss Oestrogen Positive

Thank You

2012-03-04T15:28:00.002Z

From Malina,

"Thank you so much for all the messages, prayers and love."

A Good Night's Sleep

2012-03-03T15:05:00.000Z

This is Bob writing. A great deal has happened since Malina's last post. She went for a second drain yesterday and also saw the oncologist. It's bad news. Malina is very poorly and her illness is progressing much too fast. The alternative treatments we believe in so much are not working quickly enough and now she is too ill to continue them. Today Malina is going to St Julia's Hospice so that her last few days are as comfortable as possible. We took this decision together and we have absolutely no regrets trying what we did to heal her body. Only a miracle can heal her body, her soul, spirit, call it what you will, is fine.

A huge week of fast and prayer

2012-02-18T02:57:00.001Z

There are a thousand people around the globe who are going to fast and pray for me for a week, starting today, Saturday 18 Feb.

We are asking for my complete healing and I am expecting a miracle. Yes, I am.

Please, join us, if you feel so inclined and leave a comment below to let everyone know!

Apologies

2012-02-18T02:41:00.003Z

I have had many sweet letters, texts, phonecalls, emails and offers of visits which I have so gladly received. I am sorry to say I am very behind with replying to everyone. Please do not take it personally if I haven't gotten back to you, I have really had a tough few days. While I used to find it difficult to walk etc, now I sometimes find it difficult just to be, or sit, or lie down. I tire very easily so please bare with me.

I am also sorry to say that, at present, I am not well enough to receive visitors.

Drainage

2012-02-18T02:37:00.004Z

As you know, on Wednesday I had a procedure done to drain some of that water that makes me look like I'm 17 months pregnant. I was given a lovely, comfortable room this time and all my nurses and the doctor were availale any time I needed them. I was definitely well looked after.

Unfortunately once the drain was in, we realised almost nothing was coming out. The doctor played with the tubes, I massaged my stomach, moved positions but still, the speed was alarming. Apparently they have never seen anything like this.

We were hoping to drain 5 litres in about 5 hours but by lunchtime I only had 500ml. Eventually, after my doctor played with the tubes a bit more the fluid started flowing. We realised it worked best when I lay flat (ouch) and pressed on my stomach in a specific way. By the end of the day - after we were there for 9 hours it really started going but sadly, it was time to go home. The ward where I was seen is not open overnight, all the patients were gone but me and our nurses needed to go home. I pleaded for an extra 10 minutes because I was so disappointed that weeks of waiting and this long day would only see me half finished. They let me stay a few more minutes and I was happy my stomach was visibly smaller, having lost 3.5 litres of unnecessary fluid.

Unfortunately I was feeling very unwell then (I guess from lying down flat for too long) and had a very painful night that night. I wasn't all better on Thursday. I was so weak I could not get out of bed and even talking was too much effort.

Friday was particularly disappointing when I realised that my stomach had filled back to its previous size. I have no idea why. I am going to request another drain procedure in a couple of weeks, hoping that it will go smoother, now that I know how to deal with it.

17/2

2012-02-17T00:51:00.001Z

Today, I am grateful for the beautiful people in my life:

1. My number one fan Rob who never stops. He does everything for me, from preparing my juices and food, to making sure I take all my 40 tablets a day, from helping me shower to keeping my spirits up and oh so much more.

2. Rob's parents who came down for 4 days to help us out. As always, we made full use of them. Aaron kept them occupied from dawn to dusk and they did some gardening for us as well as cooking and cleaning to mention but a few things!

3. Sharon, Gillian, Laura, Helen, Paulette, Lee-Anne, Georgia, Heather, Bunnies and other friends who keep helping us out with Aaron and tasty meals.

I love you all.

Morphine

2012-02-15T10:03:00.000Z

I'm coping with pain a little better these days. A combination of low dose steroids and paracetamol, ibuprophen and occassional cocodamol is enough to keep the edge off. I know they say take it all regularly to prevent the pain in the first place because playing catch up can take a lot of time. However, I don't subscribe to it, I do take steroid regularly but prefer to keep the rest of my meds to the minimum.

A couple of weeks ago I tried morphine. I was really desperate for a good night's sleep. I just wanted to knock myself out so I first took half a dose which didn't do much for me, then topped it up with a bigger dose and went to bed. Yes, the pain was almost gone but wow, the sleep I got was awful. It was shallow and I was tormented with the same dream over and over again. I was hallucinating and nauseous.

To top it off, I was still nauseous and vomiting in the morning. Overall not a pleasant experience and one which I hope to never repeat.

Assessment

2012-02-15T09:59:00.000Z

I went to the hospital today to be assessed for an Ascites drain. I was literally crying with relief when they said I had 6 cm of fluid that definitely qualifies for immediate drainage. Tomorrow it's an early start, 7:30 am I'm off to the hospital and the bed is already booked (so no waiting!). I will spend a few hours there and hopefully by the end of the day I will feel some relief.

The last few days I've been feeling very unwell. I have so much prssure in my stomach that besides the pain, indigestion etc, I also have breathing difficulty and I cannot walk. I even struggle to walk around the house. My belly is so enormous I cannot stand up straight and Rob's mom says I look bigger than when I was at the end of my pregnancy with Aaron.

I so hope the drain brings me some relief. Of course I know that most of the pain I have is from my liver and not the fluid but still I can only feel better after the procedure.

Just a brief word from...

2012-02-05T21:11:00.000Z

It will only take you a moment to realise that this post has not been written by Malina.

Malinaday was just incredible and I didn't know how else I could pass on my thanks other than brief editorial control of my wonderful wife's blog. Yesterday, once again, showed what an incredible group of friends we have and the support we have been shown since we embarked on this journey has been truly humbling and something I wonder if we will ever be able to repay in full. Certainly it is something we will never, ever forget. Our families and friends have done so much for us already and yet on the toughest of days they just dig deeper still and you cannot underestimate the difference it has made.

But it goes beyond this. We have had support in all shapes and sizes, physical and spiritual from complete strangers. I also could not ask for a better employer. The Royal Navy and the Fleet Air Arm in particular, has bent over backwards for us. I truly believe we have witnessed the best of human kindness and community over the past few months.

Thank you all so much.

What a day

2012-02-04T17:00:00.006Z

I am sad I couldn't be there at Malinaday today. I was really hoping to go but I woke up with an upset stomach and I had to stay home to nurse it.

I have to say, even though I wasn't there I feel so incredibly encouraged by this event. Recently I have had quite a few very low moments. But learning about how everyone works together to give me the best chance of beating this disease makes me realise how much people care. Part of me says: 'but what if I don't get better.. and all your efforts go to waste'. I already feel guilty in case I don't recover. But then I look at you all, you're doing YOUR bit and I should never give up either. I cannot afford to think negatively. You guys inspire me to carry on.

Below is a message I received from my friend, Georgia. I love it and I thought I'd share it with you:

Malina,

I'm sure you are aware, but I wanted to say how brilliantly all the plans for Saturday are coming together and you have some really amazing friends and supporters.

What's been especially fantastic is how organically the activities for the day have grown, with a little help from emails and facebook, and of course Sharon who planted the seed of the idea. I'd say she's been chief coordinator, but in fact it's not needed huge coordinating as so many people and groups of people have volunteered to do their bit.

And it's brought people together who might otherwise have never crossed paths. For example, Gillian popped into my office in Falmouth yesterday to drop off some raffle tickets and we got chatting. She seems a very nice lady.

Malinaday

2012-02-04T07:26:00.007Z

Today is Malinaday!

My absolutely amazing friends organised a fundraiser for me so that I can continue with my German injections, Caesium Chloride and one day, hopefully, Gerson Therapy (or similar). Sharon had this cool idea for a fun day for kids and immediately, all my friends helped to make it happen. It now looks like it's going to be a huge event and it sounds like fantastic fun!

I am blown away by all the effort, energy and work that everyone put into it. I am also truly astonished to learn that so so many people, businesses and papers are supporting this fete. The raffle prizes that were donated to this bash are out of this world! The 50p tickets can win you terrific goodies from the Cornish best :

Spiezia Organics, The Natural Store (Helston), Archa Libra, St Michael’s Mount, National Seal Sanctuary, The Eden Project, Seasalt Clothing, Trebah Gardens, Face Photography, Amber Necklaces, Pretty Useful Things, May Tree Restaurant, Hair Necessiti, BeGorgeous Salon & Boutique, Lily The Pink, Honeybee UV, Sarah’s Card Creations, Whirlwind Sports, Hotel Tresanton at St Mawes, Riverford, Trelowarren New Yard Restaurant, One2Eleven and Godolphin Arms.

WOW. THANK YOU.

And here is the poster and some more info about today:

There is going to be Earthy activities and competitions, open to children (and willing parents). Some are scheduled as follows:

11:15 Worm charming (Bring a broom or similar implement to tap ground to charm your worms)

12:15 Potato races

12:45 Worm race (Bring an old sleeping bag or dress as a worm and prepare to get muddy)

13:30 Raffle prize draw

There will also be face painting, bouncy castle, music, jumble sale, soups, cakes, massage, photography and more.

Please bring wellies and waterproofs, sticks and pillow cases.

Ascites Update

2012-01-31T19:06:00.001Z

Two nights ago I was most uncomfortable. Heart burn, pain, swelling, indigestion. You name it, I had it. In the morning we went to see my GP who was really helpful. He could see how distressed I was by the situation and he really tried his hardest to help me. He arranged for someone to see me at Treliske hospital and I was told to go right away and promised to be seen ahead of the queue.

But Treliske does not work like that. When I turned up for an ultrasound, there was no one there to give it to me. After an hour I was seen; the fluid sack was found and the position of rearranged organs were noted. Then the ultrasound guy made some marks on my stomach to help my doctor find the possible entry for the drain later. I mention it only because I was pretty surprised that the way he marked my stomach was by digging his sharp nail into my skin for like a couple of minutes until it made a big red dent. Is that a legit technique? Probably just a Cornish way.

After this was done I was sent to Hospital Admissions. I needed to see the nice doctor who spoke on the phone to my GP earlier in the day. He was to make the final decision as to whether the drain would bring me enough relief. Although I have moderate ascites (not acute!), unfortunately the pain actually comes mostly from the enlarged liver. It is heavily stretched which creates pain in itself and additionally it presses on other organs.

You'd think someone would make that decision pretty quickly and then either let me go home or admit me for the procedure. Well, no, not in Cornwall. Here, before you can see a doctor you have to have a bed first. I tried explaining I don't even know if I am staying but rules are rules. And as all the beds were already taken, I couldn't see anyone unless someone got discharged. So I was left waiting in a corridor, crying from discomfort with Rob trying to ease my pain in any way he could. So we were waiting for a bed and it could be 20 minutes or it could be hours, I was told. I learnt yesterday that it doesn't matter what is wrong with you and how urgently you need to see a doctor. You see the doctor when a piece of furniture is ready for you, ok?

Then, finally, the bed became available. By then I was actually very comfortable, pain free and I just went with it. However, I started to imagine how amazing this hospital would have been if it was to run by me! I know it's easy to criticise from the outside. But for instance, I would have all the paperwork and necessary tests done while the patient was waiting for the bed so that when that bed became available he or she could just go ahead and be seen by the doctor. Seems like a waste of time to do it other way round.

Anyway, after another hour passed while we did the tests and paper work, it got so late that the doctor, whom I was supposed to see that day, finished his shift and left for home. I waited for someone else instead, still chilled and comfortable, reading about healing Jesus, chatting to Rob and being so thankful for his foresight. He brought a cooler with us filled with green and carrot juices, salads and fruit so I didn't have to rely on the hospital food. I did feel sorry for the other ladies on the ward though who had no wonderful husbands with them.

I eventually got to see a very friendly doctor but he wasn't happy to do the drain. He agreed with my oncologist that it's better to wait until I get worse. Most of the pain I have is due to my liver, not fluid as I previously thought so his advise was to start taking morphine, at least at night so I can get some rest. I'm to up my painkillers throughout the day and come back to him in a couple of weeks when I will truly need the drain.

Ascites

2012-01-27T23:50:00.001Z

I look about 5 months pregnant in this photo, don't I? I have a proper bump, complete with an outie belly button. This condition is called Ascites and it is the main source of my misery these days.

Basically it's excess fluid which gathers in my abdomen. It cannot easily flow because various things block it - enlarged liver, tumours, dead cancer cells etc. All this fluid creates a lot of pressure and is responsible for most of the pain I have daily. It pushes on other organs constantly. I have to keep changing position every few minutes (including at night) to alternate what organs to press on next. The worst bit is when I lie or sit back for too long and my kidneys get squashed. Ouch. Kidneys are pretty sensitive and they're not well protected so it's very easy to bruise them.

I am trying all sorts of drugs and herbs to ease the swelling but if it doesn't improve within a couple of weeks I will request an operation. It will consist of 'popping' my stomach so that all this liquid can drain. I imagine the relief would be pretty instant and although I am hoping that the herbs will help to avoid the surgery, if I don't get better, I won't hesitate to ask for the drain.

20/01

2012-01-20T22:37:00.000Z

The last few days have been a bit of a blur, due to my strange sleeping patterns. But this is what I am grateful for now:

1. The promise I received: I am the Lord that healeth thee. Holy Bible, Exodus 15:26 KJV

Awesome!

2. My brother who is here, yay! This is the first time he's ever visited me in England. He was supposed to go home today but we didn't let him. A new flight has been bought for Monday instead. Aaron adores him so much he actually didn't go to school today because he couldn't bear the thought of being separated from him.

3. Good people who keep supplying me with amazing food. Kelly and Georgia again. Your soups are incredible.

4. It was sunny today. All day.

5. Ok, this is the really good bit. I felt better today. We went to Kynance Cove - a spectacular beach. I exhausted myself so much while getting there that I had problems with vision and breathing and I honestly thought I was going to pass out. Fortunately, I did not pass out and all this drama was so worth it! I recovered quickly afterwards.

6. After I rested at home for a while, we headed to another beach to chill at a cafe in Praa Sands. While others had fish and chips (with mushy peas, of course!) I was happy sitting in the sun, sipping my herbal tea and simply being grateful for just being there.

14/1

2012-01-15T05:06:00.002Z

Today I am grateful for:

Rob who looks after me despite the fact that I turn into an ugly bitch when I am in pain.

My friend Marta who flew to England yesterday to keep me company and to pray with me.

Aaron. He hardly spends any time with me at all these days because I have no energy to play with him. Yet he remains the sweetest, most caring and most smiling boy. At night I 'sleep' downstairs on the sofa because I need to remain upright (less pain). First thing Aaron does every morning when he gets up is he comes downstairs to see me, gives me a gentle hug and stays with me until he senses I am too uncomfortable to be with him.

Grateful For 13/1

2012-01-15T04:45:00.006Z

My friend suggested I started listing 5 things a day that I am grateful for. Just so that I can focus on the good in my life when it's so hard to overlook the bad. I thought I'd do it daily and post it on here too.

Friday 13/1

I am grateful for:

My good neighbours. Two families from around the corner brought us an amazing hamper filled with lots of goodies for myself and my boys. It included flowers too and 2 boxes of cakes from my favourite Crelly Cooks. I had a bite and Bob literally had to take the rest away from me because I was at a stage where I just didn't care and had I been left to my own devices I would have had the whole thing. Thank you Bunnies and Morgans and CC.

Sharon who came over to help with school run and to keep me company.

Georgia who made and dropped off our delicious dinner. All organic and so yummy!

The Schwarzes who sent me beautiful flowers and whom I think of as my American family. They are literally the coolest family on the planet and my sole purpose of getting better is so that I can go and see them in the States!!

Sun. Oh that was good. We had a sunny day here! I swear my pain levels dropped immediately when I realised it was a nice day outside. Rob made me a comfy place to lie on (on the trampoline) and I basked in the sun for a few hours.

That was the best day in ages.

Too much

2012-01-15T04:43:00.001Z

I am so uncomfortable. The pain in my stomach is too much. And I am really very tired. All I want right now is to be able to go to bed and just sleep for a few hours. But that's not possible. As soon as I try to lie down, the pressure becomes so much that there is no way I can sleep.

Plan G

2012-01-07T21:17:00.000Z

I was meant to have a scan this week. I imagined it to be a glorious day where I get confirmation that I am indeed beating cancer. I was really looking forward to proving everyone wrong and show them that sometimes incurable IS curable. Well, the reality was very different.

I have not been feeling well this last month. I am getting worse, I am in pain, I cannot sleep, most days I have very little appetite and I have no energy. Some days I manage to get out but there have been a lot of days lately where I just stayed home all day in my PJs. Thankfully it was Christmas at Rob's parents so I did not need to worry about having to do any domestic stuff. Then Magda stayed with us for a few days and she did the cleaning and cooking and now Rob's parents are down in Cornwall to look after us at our home. They are such a blessing. All the cleaning and cooking is done and even the garden is finally getting sorted out and Aaron could not be happier. Ladders and electric hedge trimmers seem to be his favourite things in the world tight now.

Knowing that the news from the scan would not be good, I refused to have it. I don't really need any more radiation and I don't want to see any pictures of new liver lesions. I still would not take chemotherapy anyway and it's not like they can offer me a cure based on what the pictures show.

I went to the doctor, he felt my belly and he said it was not good news. My liver is stretched to the extreme. Normally the liver would sit underneath the ribcage but mine is so enlarged it sticks down a long way, about a palm width. In one place it is as low as my hip. It presses on other things in my abdomen creating the feeling of pressure and pain.

I am quite disheartened right now. There has been a lot of sadness, frustration and tears in this house recently. It was easier to stay positive when I felt better physically. But now, even when I have pain free moments, which sometimes stretch into hours, I don't even know what to do with myself any more; I hardly have any life left apart from being sick.

I have started a new protocol, called the Caesium Chloride Protocol and I hope it's going to work. But deep down I know that there is almost no chance that I will get better now. If I couldn't stop one, or five tumours before, how can I reverse so many more tumours now? Realistically speaking there is almost no reason why I should survive it. I now place ALL my hope in the Creator. I have nothing left. I am going to pray and meditate and believe that He wants me to live.

Merry Christmas

2011-12-24T23:50:00.002Z

I adore this video of Aaron. We had a sweet Christmassy piano sing along before we left for our Christmas trip to Nanny and Pappy's house. They live in a perfect Christmas location, a beautiful, typical British village. The whole village gathered at a cow shed today (complete with funky smelling cows and bulls) to watch a lovely little Nativity play and eat mince pies. It was great but this is even better. Enjoy!

Ps. No crib for a BEAR!

My Top 5 Wishes This Christmas

2011-12-22T04:44:00.001Z

Dear Santa,

I have been a (fairly) good girl this year so can I ask you for:

1. Continued good health for my little family.

2. Healing for me. It'd be great if I was still here next Christmas. It'd be even better if I was here without cancer and without pain.

3. Cleaning and ironing lady. I cannot do all the housework myself. OK, lets not pretend that I ever hoovered this house. Not even before I got sick. That's Rob's job. And I never ever iron anything but still..... I have pain and I get tired and I am busy doing other things so Rob has to pick up the pieces. He is stretched out to the max between all this looking after me, playing with Aaron, getting up early to juice for me before work, actually working and then doing his Masters Degree in his 'spare time'. It'd be good to have help with domestic stuff so that we could enjoy more time together just doing nice things.

4. A few weeks or months in the sun. I really REALLY want to go somewhere warm and sunny. In fact I'd like to actually live somewhere warm and sunny so if you can somehow sort this out that'd be great. But for now, perhaps a vacation in the sun would be sufficient.

5. I was going to ask for a Manduka yoga matt but from the curiously shaped package that I found underneath our bed, I guess this has already been taken care of.

Thank you,

Malina xox

Aaron's take on it

2011-12-21T04:13:00.000Z

A couple of days ago;

Aaron: 'How come you don't go to hospital any more?'

Me (I am not sure how to explain that there is no point in going there because my doctors cannot fix me):

'Because I am better!'

Aaron: Really? (thoughtful pause) So how come you don't feel well?

There is no hiding from Aaron. He knows when I am not feeling well and he always tries to cheer me up. He usually says something like:

'I know how to make you feel better. Kisses and hugs will make you better!!!' And then he throws his arms around my neck and showers me with much love. He never fails.

He sometimes even says 'Mommy, I am your best medicine'. He is incredibly cute.

Yesterday, when I was waiting for a wave of nausea to pass I sat down on the floor and draped my arms over a chair. Worried Aaron stood quietly by me and when I eventually lifted my head up, he clearly was desperate to do something to make me feel better.

So, in the sweetest voice he started singing 'Jingle bells'.

It was enough to make both myself and Rob cry.

Be Cool

2011-12-20T05:17:00.006Z

I have been thinking about posting about my progress for almost a month but I was hoping I'd get better and that I would be able to post something positive instead. Things usually seem worse when you read about them and I didn't want to upset anyone. I have now decided to tell you the truth; partly because you deserve to know it and partly because I hate telling (disappointing!) people in person. Many people tell me that from reading my blog they thought I was doing fantastic; because I seem so positive. Yes, I am positive but sadly I am still doing something wrong as I am still making cancer.

I am not getting better, the tumours are actually growing. The existing ones are getting bigger and I have several new ones too. My right breast is a mess. I cannot even count all the tumours there. As for my liver I can only guess I keep growing cancer there too. I have quite a bit of pain in my liver, in fact the pain has now expanded to fill right and central part of my abdomen. Whenever my liver feels better, I usually have pain in my back instead.

Sleep is a luxury I am rarely afforded these days as the pain feels worse when I lie down. Sometimes a position change and focusing on breathing is enough to relax and help me fall asleep for a little longer before it gets too uncomfortable again. But then sometimes, I cannot bear to lie down and then I have to get up and walk around for a couple of hours before I can go back to bed (hence I'm writing this at 4.30 am!)

I hope this is not too upsetting for you to read. And quite selfishly I also hope you can deal with it in your own way first before talking to me. The last thing I'd like right now is trying to calm down more panicked faces. Just remember that something is going to work for me. I have plenty of treatment ideas up my sleeve, should I actually decide Budwig Protocol doesn't work for me. For now I'm sticking with it for another month before reassessing the situation.

Juices

2011-12-11T13:39:00.001Z

I am still loving my juices. Every day Rob gets up early to make me my sauerkraut juice (if we have a batch ready!), pineapple juice, green juice and carrot juice. I usually carry the juices with me and sip them throughout the day. I even take them to restaurants or events. Last night we went to a party and I did have a small glass of red wine first (Ok, and some champagne too) but then I followed it with a pint of carrot juice. It was awesome. Late into the night when people were starting to get tired I was on a juice high. I love my carrots so much.

The blue card

2011-12-11T13:36:00.000Z

When I was on chemo, every month or so, I was sent a 'blue card' from the hospital with my appointment schedule. I still keep finding them everywhere; I found one yesterday and it made me chuckle, because when I learned I would not be having chemo any more I was excited to plan other things instead.

Interestingly, when I woke up yesterday and I looked in the mirror I realised my eyebrows were back!!

The top eyelashes are growing too but they're a pain. Literally. They are short, hard and stubby and they grow downwards. I've never seen anything like it. There is no curve in them so when I blink they stab my lower lid. They're starting to look ok now as I've been using one of those eyelash curlers.

Uspide down

2011-12-02T21:48:00.000Z

I like to stand on my head. Every single day.

Guten Tag

2011-11-17T14:12:00.002Z

I just had another batch of my own blood injected in me, literally just a teaspoon of white blood cells. I cannot believe how much they charge me, just to give me my own bodily fluids. Yes, ok, they programmed it so that the monocytes (white blood cells) finally start recognising the tumours as something hostile and do something about it.. But still.

I also had the Newcastle Disease Virus yesterday. And I just had hyperthermia treatment so I am positively sweating right now, despite the frozen day. I am all finished in the clinic now and i still have half an hour before my bus arrives so I am sat in a cafe, sipping green tea, watching other people eat cakes. They have the most beautiful cakes here, ever. I mean this place has a million cafes, and they're always full of people eating cake. These people love cake, probably almost as much as I love cake. The cheesecake looks amazing. But I honestly don't crave it. This diet has made almost completely craving free. Perhaps one day I'll eat cheesecake again and that'd be a glorious day but for now just green tea. Cancer loves sugar so as long as I have cancer, I will not eat sugar.

Generally speaking, i feel really good, well most of the time. I fell fine, despite the growing tumours. Sometimes it can be quite scary to feel them grow but i hope it's just a healing crisis. It's something that many patients on the Budwig diet comment on during the second month of the protocol. I am in my second month now so I don't dwell on the negatives and trust it's how it's supposed to work.

Except for last night. When I was on my own and in pain i really started to worry big time which made me feel worse. I couldnt sleep and it would was very easy to panick and give in to the fear. So, stupidly, I drugged myself with paracetamol but then, wisely, did some meditation and hypnosis and it really made all the difference. I woke up all fine, grateful for having no pain today and psyched about the vaccination I was about to receive.

This place is great, so full of hope. I love talking to my doctor, who cured so many 'hopeless' cases. He also admits he's had some patients that didn't respond to the vaccines. As I haven't had the positive response (yet, anyway!) he's got other plans for me as well. I thought this was going to be my last trip here for a while but I will most likely have to come back here next month, depending on what the test results show. I'll keep you updated on this one.

Miss June

2011-10-12T20:34:00.001+01:00

The Made for Life calendar is ready!

Made for Life is a great charity, founded by the wonderful and inspiring Amanda of Spiezia Organics (lovely organic skincare). Her charity supports men and women with cancer in Cornwall and I have personally benefitted from numerous 'made for life' days. Usually this consists of getting spoilt in a beautiful hotel.

Many papers and radio stations are supporting the charity. Much to my shock the picture you see below made it to several papers, including a front page! I nearly fell over when I saw myself on the front page, I found it whilst browsing the papers at Sainsbury's the other week!

The calendar is lovely and I hope you will buy one either from me or through the Made for life website.

Photo by Mark Walker of Face Photography

I am off again

2011-10-11T09:36:00.000+01:00

Getting ready to go to Germany again...

I wish my chubbylicious boy was going with me.

You know what's great?

2011-10-11T09:13:00.001+01:00

That you keep supporting me in so many ways. Some people heard my story and don't even know me that well (or at all!) but they just felt they wanted to do something to help. One lady, Ola, run a marathon for me on Sunday. That is so cool! She wanted to raise some funds for my organic juices and she did it!! We went to watch her run through the finish line and it was very emotional (for me that is, she was just smiling as if she hadn't just spent 5 hours exhausting herself in rain).

Another lady, totally crazy and so inspiring, ran 13 hours non stop for me, she did some 50 odd miles! This story is amazing because not only did she run for 13 hours straight but she did it on sand and you know how hard it is to walk on sand. She ran up and down Praa Sands for 13 hours. This story gets even more incredible because 3 years ago Wanda bust a vertebra. She was told she'd never walk again but she recovered without surgery. She now runs all over the world, in some of the hardest terrains on this planet. She is so inspiring.

It's amazing what our bodies can heal from.

A little update

2011-10-11T08:53:00.003+01:00

I've been off chemo for a couple of weeks now. I can feel the tumours in my breast grow slightly. Don't worry though, I've been told to expect this. With natural treatments you usually get worse before you get better.

On a positive note, some of the chemo side effects are going away. For example my nose. It is slowly healing. It was such a painful mess. It bled every couple of hours, including at night. Sometimes I'd wake up to a soaked pillow or a mattress. Thank God for good husbands who take care of that sort of stuff!

The few remaining lashes (but one in each eye!) have finally gone just last week. I have managed to keep some of my hair on my head but only a few strands. Not a good look - think Bill Bailey hairstyle. My new hair is just starting to sprout and I think as soon as I have an inch or so, I will have a proper mullet going on and I will have to cut my old hair then. I've kept it for now because I like to have just a little bit of hair poking out from underneath my scarf. It gives the impression that there is some hair underneath.

I am still working with Ben. He's helped me tremendously. I feel inspired after every session with him. He is such a blessing to me. When I was waiting for my results last month (and it was a very, very, long wait and a nerve wracking wait too) I had a pain in my hip. When I stopped to think about the pain I realised it was new and so I panicked that it was C. I was convinced it was spreading to my bones and I imagined the worst. Fortunately I was scheduled to see Ben that morning who literally just melted all the worry away. I was comforted to find out that a lot of emotions are held in the pelvic area and the pain I had was probably just stuff getting released from my body (I think I generally have quite strong physical reactions to releasing old emotions. After my most recent session with Ben I shook for 2 hours). And anyway, none of us know how long we have here in this life and to spend that time worrying, rather than living joyfully is not the way forward. As it turned out my bone pain started to go away after that session and the scan was clear. I am so glad he helped me move past the fear.

Beautiful Bowls

2011-10-03T22:16:00.001+01:00

A local artist, Michel Francois made some beautiful bowls for me. I mean really beautiful. They are for sale at Trannack Under Fives but you can also order and buy some through me. You will love them. It's like eating from a piece of art. I promise, you'll want to eat soup all day long.

All the money made from the sale will be put towards my cancer treatment.

Chemo No More

2011-10-03T22:10:00.002+01:00

Sorry peeps, no good news from me. The latest scan results showed that the cancer is not controlled by my drugs. Some of the larger tumours in my liver have shrunk a little but unfortunately there are new tumours there too (within the liver). So although it worked on some tumours, overall the disease is progressing and therefore my chemotherapy has been stopped.

I am not upset about it. I am actually quite excited because it means I can now really give the alternative treatments 100%. Chemo is not the answer to cancer. We knew that from the start. They were only hoping that chemo would buy me extra time. But my natural therapy can not only buy me more time but it can actually heal me completely. It can be that effective but not when combined with chemotherapy. No food can do its job properly alongside chemotherapy because the latter is so much more powerful and destructive; it undoes all the goodness.

I am going to concentrate on the good news and that is - being able to give myself the best chance by following the natural route.

Enjoying green juice and sun - part of the Budwig protocol.

Sunny Germany

2011-08-31T09:53:00.002+01:00

I arrived in Germany a couple of days ago. I stayed with my sister the first night which was great and now I am sunning myself in Duderstadt (where I receive my treatments). It's so summery here, I love it.

I have already had hyperthermia treatment and a chicken virus injection and today I'm going to have hyperthermia again as well as the Dendritic Cell Vaccination. I am very excited about it.

Yesterday evening after I spent a couple of hours in an organic store / cafe I went for a swim and sauna. I probably would have stayed in that little cafe all evening instead, had I remembed, from years ago, that Germans like to go to sauna completely naked!! Well, it made for an interesting evening.

Thank You Cancer

2011-08-26T16:57:00.004+01:00

You know, this cancer thing hasn't been all bad. I am actually grateful to cancer for some things, such as bringing amazing people into my life. I am now surrounded by caring friends which is fab. Thanks to my friends and their fundraising efforts, I can say cancer brought me a lot of fun too (just thinking back to the bridesmaids event, or the burlesque night!). Cancer helped to heal some relationships in my life that weren't right, for example, it prompted someone from the past to apologise to me for something that happened years ago. Not to mention that thanks to cancer I made friends with Sharon and her vegetables!

Most importantly cancer made me love life again. It simply forced me to treasure every moment and live in the now. And one person who helped me more than anyone else to make sense of what is going on and how I got to the place where I am now is Ben.

I believe that our body is only a physical reflection of what we truly are. Cancer like any disease is a sign that something is wrong with US. Of course even doctors will admit that cancer is merely a symptom, not the cause. While chemo and diet helps me control the symptoms, Ben helped me to listen to my body and find out where my cancer came from.

He also showed me how cancer has benefited me. And I've got to admit it, cancer has had some really good sides to it. But now that I have listened to cancer and have ripped the benefits of this disease I have one message back to it: Thank you but now please p*** off!

A little update

2011-08-26T13:28:00.000+01:00

I am terribly behind at updating you all with my latest developments. There are several reasons I haven't been blogging recently. Firstly I was very ill, then I was too well to want to spend my time in front of my computer and then I got too busy!

My third week of chemo (8 Aug 11) was very hard. We suspect that my bloods were low because I felt so tired. I also had terrible nausea and awful headaches. My wisdom tooth was growing and causing a lot of pain which kept me awake at night. By the weekend I couldn't keep anything down, I was dehydrated, in pain and throwing up. In the end we had to call out a doctor who gave me an injection to stop the throwing up, tablets to stop the nausea and antibiotics to clean up the infection.

I didn't take antibiotics at first, I was determined to beat the infection without the drugs but I didn't really have enough blood to fight it. Additionally, the headaches were so bad that I decided to take the drugs in the end.

Because of my tooth problems, it was decided that I would need to take three weeks off chemotherapy to help my body heal. We also thought I'd need surgery to remove my tooth but that was not needed because one day, after talking to Ben, the tooth pain completely stopped. Gone.

Rob has been on leave the last three weeks and I feel bad because due to my condition, once again we cannot go away for a proper holiday. We did however go camping a couple of times which was really fun. Aaron adores camping, especially the cooking bit, with real fire! |We had a wonderful time exploring beautiful beaches, picking blackberries and meeting up with friends.

Because I am on a little break from chemo I am now well enough to travel to Germany to get my next jab and chicken flu virus. I will be traveling next week and fortunately this time I'm only going for a few days.

Reference Point Therapy

2011-08-08T21:44:00.008+01:00

You know that on physical level I am doing lots to rid my body of cancer. I am on chemo, a special diet etc. But I also believe that many, many diseases stem from non physical causes. We all, at some point, have given ourselves a headache through worry or perhaps a tense shoulder through stress. Something like that can happen instantly. Similarly, we can create a perfect environment for cancer or any disease to develop in us over time.

You know that I want to beat this disease and I KNOW that I have to look beyond drugs and pills that my doctors offer so I recently started a therapy, called Reference Point Therapy. It is an alternative healing method that combines cutting edge, modern, scientific research with ancient spiritual wisdom. It's very powerful but it's also NOT spiritual healing or energy healing and it has nothing to do with religion.

My therapist is called Ben Ralston and he is amazing. I warmed to him the second I saw him and talking to him is like chatting to a friend, very easy and enjoyable. After each session I feel a bit lighter and clearer. Seriously, I have only had a few sessions but I am very impressed. We're not finished yet but I already feel really good about the progress I have made. For example I can already breath 100% better than before I started talking to him.

If you are curious about this therapy, check out Ben's website

Today's chemo (I'm currently lacking imagination for blog titles!!)

2011-08-08T21:39:00.000+01:00

I just had my chemo no 6 which means 2 complete cycles are now done.

I was, well, amazed at the hospital today because I normally have a very low blood count. I have chemo on Mondays and I have my blood tested on Fridays to see if I am strong enough to get more chemo the following Monday. My results are almost never good enough on Fridays and so I need to have my blood taken again on Monday morning right before I get my drugs. By that point the blood has usually rebuilt itself just enough to get another chemo hit (most often it's actually just below the minimum). Today however my blood was perfectly normal. As in, it was in a perfect range for a healthy person, never mind someone who's undergoing chemotherapy!

I think there are a number of reasons for my healthy blood. It could be good diet, taking Beta-Glucan (a natural immune system booster) or else it could be Ben. Please read my other post about this lovely man.

Friends

2011-08-05T21:37:00.001+01:00

I do have awesome friends. They help me with Aaron, distract me, help me with my veggie supply (I go through a lot of veggies in a week! - see my other post about juicing) and support me financially too. There have been many fundraising events organized in my area recently to help me pay for my treatments. As you know I will be having more dendritic cell vaccinations once I am finished with chemo. Gerson Therapy is planned too and possibly a trip to see dr Burzysnki in the States in addition to what I have done already. Amazingly all my treatments in Germany, the new juicer and Vit C injections have all been paid by my family and friends.

If you are on Facebook you probably know about the Fighting for Miss Oestrogen fund set up by my Navy friends. They organise many events around my town from Ladies Nights to cake sales etc. They hold parties, coffee mornings, children face paintings and much more.

When I came back from Germany a few weeks ago I learnt that my littlest friends fundraised for me too! Check out this picture, they're about to toddle waddle :-)

There was also the most hilarious cinema night. Imagine hundreds of women dressed as bridesmaids, watching 'Bridesmaids', eating wedding cake and drinking champagne. Add to it a fire brigade and you have a great night out. I also learnt that night that chemotherapy followed by champagne on the same day do not mix well.

Lets not forget the netball tournament, organised by the lovely Michelle and Mike Kent. It was so much fun to watch my fit friends run around.

Some of Jenny's Team

Anna and John in action.

Another fundraising event was an extremely difficult 44 mile run. It's that difficult because it's on the coastal path so it's forever up and down, uneven path where you cannot fall into a running rhythm. It was inspiring to watch them run and run and run in the heat for hours.

Jemima

It's a beautiful but very steep terrain

Aaron waiting at the finish line

Here they are!!

Part of the team:

From the left: Rob, Bob, me, Andrew, Bruce

Not on the picture: Crash, Ivan, Sarah, Anna

What an amazing, mammoth achievement.

Thank you.

Next events 'Jamie at Home' party and 'Scoot a thon' challenge. Please come and have fun with us if you can.

One more fundraising idea has just been planned and it involves my friend Franka getting a tattoo! She already dedicated many hours to me and to my blog as she translated it into Polish and now she's going to have a raspberry tattooed on her side!

Why raspberry I hear you say? Well, my friends. You probably didn't know this but 'Malina' means 'raspberry' in Polish.

And you thought that Harper Seven was a weird name!

Nourishment

2011-07-31T19:08:00.000+01:00

I've had a much better week this week. I did lots of fun things. I ate well. I worked on some of my emotional issues with an amazing healer. I went to a couple of parties. I did lots of yoga. I flew in a Sea King helicopter (I just wished the pilot - our friend - didn't play a joke on us and didn't drop the collective! I thought we were about to crash.)

And I juiced!! Well, Bob juiced and I drank it! All this new diet and juicing means I go through a lot of veggies in a week. I have at least three juices a day and they are sauerkraut juice, a green juice and a carrot + apple juice. I might sometimes have a nettle or pineapple juice as well. Other fruits and veggies too, depending on what's available.

Many people are curious about the green juice. It is basically lots of green leafy veggies (lettuces, kale, spinach, beetroot greens, chard etc - whatever is in season) plus wheatgrass, cucumbers, herbs as well as dandelion flowers and leaves (I pick these in my garden).

I go through a lot of vegetables every single day. Thankfully I made awesome friends recently that live on an organic farm. Luckily they allow me to come and help out on the farm for a few hours a week in exchange for the beautiful farm produce (including goats milk needed for my raw kefir). They have adorable kids too, the older one is Aaron's age so whenever I go to the farm, Aaron is only too happy to accompany me. It is such an idyllic place for kids. The two of them play happily together while we work, they disappear in the trees, happy and carefree, only to return every now and then to show us the latest bug or toad they've caught.

My new friend is a great yoga teacher too. We went to a yoga camp together the other day. Aaron joined us for the morning yoga class and it was so precious to practise with him. I wish I had brought a camera with me because I know that these pictures would have been the cutest photos EVER. You know, like me doing a downward facing dog and Aaron underneath me in a cobra pose etc. It was all lovely, quiet and relaxing, right up until Aaron yelled at the top of the voice: Mommy, I need a POO!

I don't know about the others, but it certainly made me smile! I am so grateful for this fun week.

Cheers!

2011-07-31T17:52:00.001+01:00

My beautiful shiny new juicer is here! We've already had it for over a week but I hardly use it. My husband and sister do most of the juicing for me. It's still just as time consuming to make green juices with it but carrot juices are sooo much easier and faster. The juice that comes out is much more nutritious too.

I also want to say huge thanks to my beloved American friends who paid for this juicer. Thank you so much!

So what's the plan now

2011-07-24T17:49:00.000+01:00

A lot of people want to know what my plan is now. Well, first and foremost I am continuing with the chemotherapy for at least another 2 months. At that point I will have another scan to see whether the chemotherapy is working at all. If it's working we'll continue with it and if it's not working then we'll have to try something else. Personally, I believe that the solution for me lies in alternative treatments.

Regarding the Dendritic Cell Vaccinations - I am due for my next shot now but unfortunately, due to my low blood count level, I am not going ahead with them. It would be a waste of a good vaccination, a waste of money and effort. I will wait now until my chemotherapy is finished completely before I receive any more shots.

The Budwig Plan - I have been on a special diet for the last month or so but I wasn't on it 100%. It's difficult to get used to it but no more excuses any more, from tomorrow I will be fully committed. This is something that I know can work wonders. I belong to a Budwig support group online where there are an amazing number of people who have healed themselves from cancer (and other diseases) just through this diet (and some also do chemo as well, although it works best when not interfered with by man made toxins). It involves eating a mostly raw diet, drinking fresh organic vegetable juices and eating a large amount of flax seed oil (and flax seeds) as well as getting a lot of rest and sun (well, that last bit is not always possible in England!). If you are interested to know more about this wonderful plan, please email me or search for Joanna Budwig on google (not to be confused with the Cellect Budwig Protocol).

A tough week

2011-07-24T17:44:00.000+01:00

We went to see a liver specialist in London this week. We held lots of hopes for this appointment but all we found out was that unfortunately the number of tumours in my liver has doubled and now I have too many to consider ablation or indeed any type of surgery (cyber knife etc). We were gutted to hear that.

On Friday I had some blood tests done and when the nurse went out of the room to get some help (she couldn't get into my veins again) I had a look through their notes... It was so depressing to read that I just wanted to go home and hide underneath the covers in bed. I didn't want to see anyone or talk to anyone. I couldn't give in to that temptation though because (thankfully) I had to get Aaron from a playgroup where a group of my friends looked after him.

The other bad news is that my hair is almost all gone now. I sat in front of the mirror yesterday and strand by strand I removed most of my hair from my head. It was very upsetting. Last year when I was losing hair, I was excited in a way, not to be sick of course but to to see what I'd look like with no and then short hair. I knew it'd grow back. This time there is no novelty, I don't want to be bald. I don't want to wear scarves. I don't even know if I'm ever going to have hair again. It is much tougher to lose hair that you waited to grow for so long. It's tough because it's the second time I'm going through it.

I was so disappointed this week. So confused and so bitter. I do everything the doctors tell me, I've been a model patient and I am still just getting worse. Why while other people plan their wonderful lives, have babies, create beautiful things, all I do is harbour a disease?

New chemotherapy regime

2011-07-15T22:00:00.002+01:00

I had my blood tested today to see if I am ok to have more chemotherapy. I have to have my blood checked every week and it usually is pretty low but it's never been too low to carry on with the treatment.

Today however the hospital phoned to say my blood count is so poor that I will not be having chemotherapy next week. It has been decided that I will have a week long break every three weeks.

Yay for a week off! Sadly, no chemo on Monday doesn't actually mean no hospital appointments next week as I am going to London to talk to a liver specialist.

The low blood count explains my terrible tiredness today as well. It's an early night for me tonight. I hope I get lots of energy for tomorrow as we're going to a ball!

My hair

2011-07-15T21:49:00.000+01:00

My hair is falling out. I was really hoping I wouldn't lose it this time, I was told that some people on my type of chemotherapy lose only some of their hair. I am ok with having thinner hair but I really don't want to go completely bald again.

Check out my bling!

2011-07-11T22:24:00.003+01:00

And I mean hospital bling.

In the picture you can see: my tiny wrists covered with various bandages where the nurses tried to access my veins, a name tag just to make sure they know who I am in case I collapse on my way to the toilet, two blue anti sickness bands and one special bracelet from Bob (that I got on our 10th wedding anniversary, the day I was supposed to go for my big surgery.)

Not Vein Enough

2011-07-11T21:52:00.000+01:00

It took 4 nurses and 6 attempts to get into my veins today. It's very stressful and quite painful. They'd like me to consider a Hickman line. Well, I can consider it but don't really want to have it put in me. I might not have a choice though if my veins get even worse.

Other than the veins, chemo was fine and thankfully, still no nausea. I just wish I didn't keep getting nose bleeds. It was a long day at the hospital, 6 hours in total. My blood results from Friday were very low so I needed another test to see if I can take more chemo. My neutrophills were still too low but my oncologist gave me the go ahead anyway.

Now I've had three courses, I have officially had one full cycle.

After hospital Bob and I went to pick up Aaron from school. He goes to the coolest, most beautiful, nurturing, natural school. When we got there we found all the children having a picnic in their magical woods. We watched him for a while until, to his delight he realised we were there. It was so special.

Week 2

2011-07-08T22:32:00.000+01:00

The second dose of chemotherapy left me with only minor stomach problems but once again, thankfully, I had no nausea.

I also got some 'good' news as I found out that I have been given funding for Avastin. This drug is highly controversial as it hasn't really shown much benefit for breast cancer patients. It is one of the most expensive drugs on the market at the moment and unfortunately it doesn't actually save lives. It can merely prolong one's life by some weeks, possibly months. I was excited to get it but as I do more research on it I realise it is a double edged sword. As the drug cuts off the supply of blood to tumours, the cancer is more likely to mutate beyond the state where you can potentially beat it. Some people claim that therefore, although this drug may prolong your life, it also means you are more likely to die from your disease. But as my doctors don't think I can beat cancer, their goal is to keep me feeling well and living for as long as possible.

Straight after the chemo (which took 5 hours) Bob and I went to London, to see another oncologist for a second opinion. I was reassured by him that my treatment at the moment (Taxol + Avastin) is exactly what I would be offered by him in at the Royal Marsden Hospital (the top cancer hospital in the country). He also remarked how incredibly lucky I was to get Avastin. The only other suggestion that was made related to genetics. It's a small possibility, but if I have BRCA1 and BRCA2 gene mutations it could mean there is another way of treating my disease. I haven't had the test yet and I have to say I am pretty excited to know.

Apart from all the cancer talk we really enjoyed London, especially visiting our friends and their tiny little baby Rose :-)

Chemotherapy for the Second Time...

2011-06-30T12:40:00.002+01:00

The chemo appointment did not start very well. I was told that funding for Avastin was still unresolved so I wouldn't be getting it. It is disappointing to know that there is a drug that could help me but I cannot afford it and the NHS are unsure whether to give it to me or not. This chemo was delayed by the whole month because we were waiting to see if they can fund it but they still haven't reached the decision.

Anyway, once we decided that we'd go ahead with the chemotherapy, even without Avastin, they started to make my chemotherapy (Taxol). It took them over 2 hours to make it but the waiting wasn't too bad because the chemotherapy unit has recently moved to a much nicer place. There is even a patio where you can sit in the sun, so that's exactly what we did.

Before they could give me Taxol, which is highly allergenic, they gave me antihistamines which made me really sleepy. Bob stroked me for a while and I remember waking up a couple of times and then once again at the very end when it was all finished. It was late by then and we needed to get home asap as Aaron was still at our friend Elly's house.

Once we got home and put Aaron to bed, my friend Laura came to keep me company. I told her I would probably start puking soon but she didn't mind. I was waiting for the nausea but it never came. When I woke up on Wednesday I was super excited because I realised I slept all night and I felt fine! I took Aaron to school and then had a relaxing day. I was tired but thankfully I didn't get any nausea at all. Today, the only side effect I developed is numb toes. I can live with that.

That means it's one down and 17 weeks to go.

First Vaccine

2011-06-29T13:08:00.001+01:00

As promised, here is a quick entry about Germany. I am so glad I went. It was important to have my blood taken (and then frozen) before the start of the chemotherapy, to ensure the best blood count. They took ALL my blood, took what they wanted out of it and then put the rest back in the other arm. They actually used both of my arms, which is incredible. They are so good there.

What they needed from my blood specifically was my monocytes. These were then grown to become dendritic cells. Dendritic cells are great because they are the leaders of the white cells - they tell others what to do and where to go. The dendritic cells that have been grown for me were also programmed to seek out cancer cells as well as any cells marked with Newcastle Disease Virus (see my other post about NDV).

The worst part of being in Germany was missing Aaron. I didn't like the needles etc but really, I missed Aaron so much that it hurt! I actually started writing another blog when I was out there, it's not ready for reading yet but I will let you know soon. It's messages to Aaron from numerous times that we've been apart due to the disease.

Finally, on Thursday I had the last dose of the hyperthermia and then my long awaited vaccine! It grew very nicely and the doctor said it was of excellent quality. After all the treatments my Dad drove me back to Hamburg, where I stayed overnight with my sister and then flew back to England on Friday.

I was very pleased that my Dad came to Germany. It was a huge thing for him to do. But I was so tired and had so much travelling to do, and it was quite frankly so lonely to go through it all by myself that my dad decided to accompany me. It was so much nicer to have him with me.

I am back and ...

2011-06-26T09:54:00.000+01:00

I am back from Germany and I will be writing a longer post later about it but now I just wanted to say that I am overwhelmed by all the support. There are so many people who are helping, in so many ways. There've been several fundraising events organised in my area, I've been in a newspaper and today I am going to watch my neighbours and friends at a fundraising event. They're going to play net ball!! That's going to be so much fun.

There has been a lot of activity and once I catch up with everything I will write to each of you with my thanks but this is just a general big thanks from the bottom of my heart to all of you.

Hello from Germany

2011-06-17T19:25:00.000+01:00

I made it here!

I flew on Wednesday to Hamburg, spent the night at my sister's and at 4 am got up to continue on my journey. At the clinic they took some blood and the first vaccine is already being developed for me. I need loads more blood taken, to be frozen, ready for when I need the other three vaccines to be developed.

The way they take and freeze blood is very technical and it requires two good veins (in two arms!). They take the blood from one arm and then it goes straight into a machine that filters out white blood cells (needed for the vaccine) and the rest of the blood is put back in through the other arm. It needs a very fast flow and that is a bit of a problem for me. My left arm is very damaged by chemo and the right arm is a no go because of the lymph node surgery (remember when I explained about lymphodeama risk?). Well, I have no choice but to use my risky side as the first vein, and as my the left arm is truly not good enough the second vein that will be used it going to be in my crotch. Apparently that is really painful, even with an anaesthetic. But you know I will be brave :)

In the meantime, as my vaccine is being developed, I am having hyperthermia and Newcastle Disease Virus treatment. All of this is designed to weaken the cancer. The first treatment I had today is hyperthermia and this is how it works. Our bodies are very good at controlling our temperatures, even when the temperature increases by just a tenth of a degree we can feel it. If it goes up by half a degree we have a fever. Well, cancer really doesn't like it when it's hotter than 42 degrees and this hyperthermia treatment goes up to something like 48! Healthy cells say 'no, thank you' to this heat, whearas the cancer cells (at first when it's just slightly warmer) open up the blood vessels that they cannot shut off later when it gets hotter and hotter.

The heat is also combined with radiowaves that cancer cells have no choice but to receive it. They cannot work with the freqency and they die. Ideally you'd like several weeks of this treatment but obviously, I cannot stay here for that long but I hope I can come back for more after my chemo is finished.

Now, for the Newcastle Virus Disease. It works well when it's combined with the heat and I already had it injected in me today. It's a chicken virus that doesn't infect people. If you get it, your body gest rid of it within hours, and all you can perhaps feel is mild flu like symptoms. I cannot feel anything yet, but was told to expect a headache or even sweating tonight.

So, the virus is expelled by our healthy cells right away, but when it arrives at a cancerous spot, it loves it there. Cancer doesn't have a system in place that will fight the virsu. The NVD then settles in cancer and it grows there, killing cancer in the process. I had some of the virus injected in my vein today and some of it was injected straight into my breast lumps. Notice I say lumps not lump. Well, what only appeared as possible cancerous cells on a mammogramme a month ago, are now tiny lumps. I got very upset by this today but my doctor says it doesn't make a scrap of a difference. It only matters what is going on in my liver. But to me, a new lump in breast tranlates to possible new lumps in my liver.

No point in worrying though because that's not going to help, is it. I decided to celebrate that the NVD is in me now and I imagine it killing the cancer.

This is so complicated

2011-06-12T23:15:00.000+01:00

First of all I would like to say thank you so much for all the support. I cannot even tell you just how much it means to me. Whenever I talk to my doctors (and it's always a very depressing thing to do!) or whenever panic gets to me, I just remember about you. Yes, I really do. I remember that I am not alone. I have to go through it myself but it helps so much to know that you are all behind me.

As you know I went to Hampshire this week to start on my vit C injections. In essence, it's a natural chemotherapy. The mega doses of this vitamin are harmful to cancerous cells, but unlike conventional chemotherapy this treatment doesn't damage any healthy cells. In fact it supports the immune system, so it tackles cancer from two different angles.

You have to bear with me when it comes to my treatments. I know I said I was keen to do Gerson therapy last week but after talking to my doctor at the clinic, I found out about other options that I could pursue. Not all of them are available on the NHS of course but they could be very helpful in my situation.

First of all, I found out that surgery would give me the best chances of beating the disease. It's because my body has to fight many many cancer cells right now, but if the tumours were removed, I would only need to fight the residual cancerous cells that are floating around the body.

Unfortunately my doctors don't want to operate right now as they say the lesions on my liver are situated in a risky place and the surgery would just be too dangerous. Perhaps, after the chemotherapy, if the tumours shrink, then surgery would be possible.

My private doctor in Hampshire explained to me that liver ablation might still be possible. I asked my NHS doctors about it but as they don't do it in my hospital (or indeed in my county!) they know very little about it. I am trying to get a referral to a liver specialist in London, who performs ablation all the time. It could be that she agrees with my surgeon here in Cornwall and will not want to touch my liver until the tumours shrink away from the dangerous place. But I still hope she'll want to have a go.

The breast surgery also has to wait because it would delay my chemotherapy by at least a month and that's not what they want to do. The liver lesions have to be tackled right away. And that is slightly confusing because in theory, had I had my surgery on the 2nd of June I would be well on my way to recovery by now. So they're happy to wait weeks to see if I get funding for my chemo, but it didn't occur to them to operate on me and use this waiting time for my recovery. I do feel like they're wasting my time a bit but at least I feel like I am using my time well.

And that brings me back to the subject of vit C. Not wanting to waste my time, I have started my natural chemo (or orange juice injections as we call it here!). I've had a week of them already and I feel great. The nurses at the clinic are so lovely. The atmosphere is so peaceful! I remember going for chemo at my overcrowded hospital last year where the atmosphere was always really thick with fear and I am grateful that at least there is no suffering (my or indeed my fellow patients) when I go for vit C injections.

The only trouble I've had this week was with my veins. They're still very damaged by my chemo last year so canulating me is a bit of a problem but once everything is in place, the injections are fine. Several people asked me if they hurt or make me feel sick but be assured I really do feel very well and the vit C infusions have no bad side effects. I just wish I could do them at home because I miss being with my family and just miss the comfort of my own home.

It is actually possible to have the infusions done at home but the main problem is finding a nurse who would be willing to put a canula in you and then administer the drug to you. If you happen to know any IV trained nurses in Cornwall that could help, please let me know!

Another thing I learnt at the clinic is that they can develop me a vaccination! My immune system, in general, is very good. I don't get sick, I never seem to catch the latest bug or a cold etc. But there is one major fault with my immune system, and that lies with certain white blood cells that are responsible for fighting cancer. I had a look at them under a microscope and they - well, they look lifeless. I don't know if they've always been like this or if this is the effect of chemo last year. They're super lazy. They are supposed to fight cancer but they let it spread. The vaccination - called Dendritic Cell Vaccination - is supposed to wake up those cells. The doctors can take some blood and then programme some cells within it to fight my cancer. Then they would inject the programmed blood back into my system and it would hopefully know to look out for cancer.

To help your white blood cells find and fight cancer you can also 'flag' your cancerous cells with a virus called Newcastle Disease Virus (NDV) which attaches itself to the cancer. You can then programme your white cells to look for any cells that have the virus attached. NDV has also been shown to kill cancer cells directly, so again theoretically a good thing to do.

As you can see it's a complex issue and as I learn more and more about my options, I keep revising my plan of action. Right now I am planning on continuing with my vit C and sometime before the chemotherapy I will try and get to Germany to make a start with my vaccine (they make the vaccine in Germany so it's much better to have your blood freshly drawn there rather than sent it over from England).

In the meantime we are also looking for a rife machine GB4000 plus MOPA. This machine uses low amp electricity at certain frequencies to destroy cancerous cells. We were hoping to buy it but it's hugely expensive and we heard that you can rent the machine from some places but we have had no success in locating them in my area. You can only buy them in the States as well which complicates things further.

Talking of buying things from the USA, another protocol I really believe in is Gerson Therapy. Going to a Gerson Clinic right now is not an option until I decide what is going on with liver ablation and chemotherapy. I would like to start a slightly modified Gerson therapy at home but to do so I need a particular juicer. This juicer is the most recommended juicer for anyone with health problems, but really, for cancer patients this is the only juicer. It's a Norwalk juicer and you can only buy in California (or online). Why aren't these things available here?

As you can see I have lots to plan and lots to think about and as you can imagine it all requires big amounts of money! Right now I would like to say a huge thanks to all of you who have sent me money. I have already received an amazing amount of £3774!!! That's an extremely generous amount already and it will go towards my dendritic cell vaccination. I need £16000 for this vaccine and I am already almost a quarter of the way there. Thank you SO much!!!!

Malina on a Mission

2011-06-05T16:35:00.002+01:00

HELP MALINA

This time, it's a post written by me, Magdalena (Malina's big sister). Malinka is packing to go to Hampshire tonight she left her blog open so I thought I'd take this opportunity to write to you all and ask for your help.

We all love Malina and we are all willing her to get better, to be completely cured. The doctors say it is not going to happen, all they can do is try to give her more time. This is not good enough and she is trying alternative treatment. Other treatments, not offered on NHS have a higher chance of wiping this disease. She can still beat it if she tries other methods. In fact, she is definitely going to beat it but she needs our help.

The first treatment she decided on is IV vit C. To start off, she needs three weeks of infusions. Each day costs her £450 so just in the next three weeks she'll have to pay £6750 ($11000). She would also like to buy a frequency generator with MOPA which costs $5000. Another big spend would be Gersons Therapy, IF she can afford it. This therapy is very effective with breast cancers and she really believes in it. It costs $5500 a week and she would need 2-3 weeks as a minimum (and then she'd need to continue it at home for 2 years). To do this therapy she'd have to buy special equipment (nearly £2000) and flights to the States. (We might be able to cut this cost down as my German friend Andrea found out there is a clinic in Germany that offers a similar Gerson treatment there - many thanks Andrea). On top of that she's already spending a lot of money on supplements etc.

Now, as you can see this is a lot of money! She cannot even go to work right now, getting healthy is her full time job at the moment. Please would you consider supporting her financially.

If you would like to donate, here is how you can do it:

Bank Transfer:
Account name: Malina on a Mission
sort code 30-96-68
account number 25881568
BIC: LOYDGB21082
IBAN: GB52LOYD30966825881568

I think this is enough information whether you are sending money from the UK or abroad.

PayPal:
You can send money through PayPal to malinabob@tiscali.co.uk

Cheque:
You can send cheques only from the UK banks please. Payable to Malina Bowman
41 Hawke Rd
Helston
TR13 8DL
UK

Thank you with all my heart,

Magdalena

Positive

2011-06-05T00:21:00.001+01:00

This feels like the weirdest, sickest joke. The doctor is going to call me any minute and tell me that of course I am well!! What was I thinking, liver cancer? C'mon, I don't even feel bad!

Yes, I do have a lump in my chest and come to think of it, I have this dull ache in my liver but nothing that has any impact on my life right now. In my body I feel well. All my blood results (including liver function) are perfectly normal.

I feel fine but I have to say I was very panicked when I first got the news. The nights, as always, are the worst. But today I feel so much better. It feels good to be doing something (I mean having decided on starting vit C infusions next week, so it's not just waiting for chemo). I am positive that the situation is not as bad as my doctors paint it. It's not as bad because I am giving myself extra chances by trying other things too. This has got to work. We all know being stage IV is not good news but some people do make it and I have decided to be amongst those people.

In the meantime we even managed to have a lovely day at the beach today and on Thursday too, on our 10th wedding anniversary. It was full of tears but it was even more full of love.

The treatment plan

2011-06-04T23:59:00.000+01:00

My oncologist says that I still have options that can help. The best chances of keeping the lid on the disease is more chemotherapy. It's a different type of chemo to the last one so there is a chance it will work. The trouble is it's not offered on the NHS and there is no way we could afford it ourselves. They will apply for some funding for this treatment but if the request is denied I will then be offered a different type of chemo (but not as good).

If I was to refuse all chemotherapy they would then offer me a drug called Zoladex which stops your oestrogen production. As my cancer is oestrogen dependant this would usually help. I say 'usually' because they are not sure it would be as effective in my case because my cancer, although oestrogen positive, does not behave like one. It behaves unpredictably. Most oestrogen positive breast cancers are stopped by a drug called Tamoxifen. Well, I've been taking it for almost a year now and it obviously does not work on me as it allowed the cancer not only to come back to my breast but also to spread to my liver.

As we are waiting for the news about funding (we'll know in three weeks) - I am aware that I'm in a race against time. I want to use those three weeks for assisting my healing rather than just waiting and allowing the disease to progress.

I trust my doctor in that I think he does the best he can. But doctors do not know everything. Yes, they are very good at what they do, they see many cases, they save lives and very importantly the drugs they use are evidence based (trialled on a very big number of people). But these doctors only know what they know and they always stick to what they have been taught and are allowed to tell you within the system. Both Bob and I have done a lot of research and we know there are many many other things we can do that can help. There are many people who have been cured from stage IV cancers (I am stage IV of course) and although all these alternative treatment cures are only anecdotal it doesn't mean they do not exist.

I have nothing to lose (well, except for our savings) in giving them a go. I have three weeks before my scheduled chemotherapy and I am going to spend that time in Hampshire where there is a cancer clinic that administers IV vit C. Pray that it helps.

Thank you

2011-06-04T23:11:00.002+01:00

Thank you so much for all your messages, cards, emails and phone calls. I really appreciate them all. Please do not take it personally if I haven't responded to you. I love getting your messages but the truth is I don't love telling everyone about the cancer. I am trying to organise my thoughts which takes a lot of energy but I also try to lead a fairly normal life. We've had beautiful weather that last few days and despite everything that's been going on we still go out every day and enjoy ourselves.

What a roller coaster

2011-06-04T23:00:00.001+01:00

I cannot believe how much your life can change in just one month. This year (up to the beginning of May) was so perfect. I was healthy and well. We took three trips abroad where we soaked up the much missed sun. We got to go to Poland to visit my family whom I hadn't seen for 2 years. They were so thrilled to see me looking well and happy because I know they worried about me last year.

Only a couple of days after I got back from Poland I accidentally found a new lump and I immediately knew it was the C word again. A couple of weeks later I made peace with the fact that I'd be losing my breast and the surgery was scheduled for the 2nd of June - the day of our 10th wedding anniversary! At that point I thought that was the worst thing that could happen to me.

But I did not expect to be told, only a day before the surgery, that there is no point in having the surgery any more because the cancer spread to my liver as well. They phoned me to let me know the results. They don't usually tell you over the phone but given my circumstances and the fact I was preparing for surgery next day, they did tell me over the phone. I was so so so very gutted. I looked out of the window and saw that Bob was just cycling back home. I ran out of the house to meet him on the street and to share my horrible news with him.

We were invited to come to the hospital to have a chat with my surgeon who was happy to stay after hours to answer some of my questions. We had a very difficult conversation with him.

They say this cancer is incurable.

On Friday we talked to my oncologist who also did not give me much hope. Nonetheless I asked him not to talk to me about percentages. I do not want to worry about that. I do not want to know how long they give me. But you know you are in deep s**t when they tell such things as 'miracles do happen' or 'you could be that one person who does make it' or even worse - 'concentrate on doing what you love and think about how you want to be remembered'.

I appreciate they cannot lie to you but boy that was tough. I also hate the fact they didn't scan me a year ago when I first complained about my liver. I hate it that I have to put my family through this. I grew up without a mother and my biggest fear is that my own son will be without his. I hate what this cancer is doing to my beautiful family.

More tests

2011-05-23T22:36:00.001+01:00

Two scans are needed to determine wether the cancer has spread. One, the bone scan, is booked for Friday and the other one (whole body scan - lungs, liver etc) I had today.

This nice lady put a canula in my arm and I had to lie down on a couch that kept travelling in and out of this massive doughnut. The lady had to leave but assured me she would be speaking to me through the microphone and I could speak back.

I did as she said:
'Breathe in. Hold. Hold. Breathe out'

We did this a couple of times before she said:
'So now I am going to start the drip' and that's where the scan became really unpleasant. I had to really stop myself from screaming at her to stop the whole thing. On entry, the iodine burned my arm, then it made my head go really hot and I was burning all over. It was not pleasant. Fortunately it only lasted a few minutes and I was free to go home.

On Friday it's going to be even more fun, as they inject me with some radioactive stuff. I'll have to be there for 4 hours as well and when I get home I won't be allowed to hug Aaron until the next day.

Please pray that both these tests come back clear. We do not want this cancer anywhere else in my body.

Biopsy results

2011-05-23T22:19:00.001+01:00

No one knows if it is good or bad news but this cancer is the same type of cancer that I was fighting last year. My doctors do not understand why it's back, after all the treatments I've gone through and so soon as well.

One theory is that it's been in my breast for a while but because it's so high on my chest, it never showed on any of the mammograms and it was quite simply missed. It is also just outside the area of tissue that was treated with radio. It is possible that the chemo shrunk it a bit and now it's grown again.

Another theory is that my cancer was just not responsive to chemotherapy and in fact it most probably made matters worse. With my non existent immune system (killed by chemo), my body could not fight the residual cancer cells and now they have grown into a full blown tumour.

They cannot give me any more radio to that area, and they won't give me any chemo (unless it's spread - which we do not know yet). So the only option is to have it cut out and then have my oestrogen production completely stopped. So all the fun of a mastectomy followed by drug induced menopause. I cannot wait.

At least I feel I am in really good hands, I know that my surgeon is really good. He explained how it's all going to work. I was a little bit grossed out by the fact that part of me is going to be plastic. You know how much I dislike plastic anyway but to have it inside me?

But wait for this - it gets better. They'll need make me a special 'hammock' inside my breast to keep the silicone in place, and that special 'hammock' is made out of CALF. Yep, I'll have a piece of plastic and a piece of cow in that breast. How gross is that? To be fair though, I'll take that in place of cancer any day.

Believe it or not, this hammock thingy is the cutting edge in reconstructive surgery. Only very few surgeons around the world use this technique. At £2000 for each slice of calf, it's not available to everybody.

Friday the 13th

2011-05-13T22:35:00.005+01:00

I knew it was cancer even before I went to the doctor. Both Bob and I were prepared for the news.

I was hopeful only after I spoke to a nurse who explained that it was most likely fat necrosis. I told her the lump was hard and it didn't move, it was in a new place so it just couldn't be clips or a scar tissue. Still, she was convinced it was fat necrosis and the doctor seemed to agree with her. When they left the room, I quickly had a look in my files. I wanted to see what the doctor really thought it was. It is one thing trying to keep me calm but surely he wouldn't lie in the files. I found the right page and my heart was full of hope again. Diagnosis: fat necrosis.

I had a mammogram and an ultrasound 'just in case'. The lump was not seen on the mammogram but the ultrasound showed a smallish lump that was 6.6 mm. The lady who did the scan genuinely could not say if it was malignant.

Then she told us about another suspicious area in my breast, where you can see calcium deposits which might mean cancer. What? ANOTHER area?? I cannot take it. The area is so small though, they couldn't even biopsy it.

Back to the lump - I needed a core biopsy so Rob was asked to leave. Apparently it looks worse than it actually is and husbands tend to faint. In my opinion it looks exactly like what it is - bloody, painful incision followed by the removal of a sample of the tumour tissue. We were told we'd need to wait at least 30 minutes for the results but we actually waited double that and I almost had a heart attack from all the worry.

As soon as I saw Mr Brown's head through the door I knew it was bad news (they always send surgeons to give bad news and junior doctors to give good news). It was so much easier this time though. No tears, no shock. Just questions and planning.

He said he was very surprised to see me there again. After everything that I've been through it's just not meant to happen.

Now we have to do what we don't like - wait another week for more results to see what cancer we're talking about.

Nightmares

2011-05-03T16:22:00.003+01:00

I found another lump. It seems that every time things go well for me, something bad has to happen to offset the happiness. I only found it two days ago and today I made an appointment to have it checked on... Friday the 13th!

I am so nervous I cannot think about anything else and I couldn't sleep last night. Doesn't everything always seem worse at night? I couldn't breathe and I had that panicky feeling. I just want to know what that dreaded lump is. Aaron also kept me awake last night as he had nightmares and I kept having to get up to comfort him. He said he had a dream that I was leaving, that I was going somewhere without him. Little does he know that that is my worst fear too...

One year oncology appointment

2011-03-15T22:58:00.001Z

Can you believe I had my first year oncology appointment today? One year already! I hate going to that hospital. Especially the oncology unit, it turns my stomach. Today was no different, I didn't like going there, but for the first time ever, I didn't feel nervous. I didn't worry that they would tell me something bad. I am definitely regaining my confidence in my body and for the first time in ages I really think I am going to be all right.

Can you tell that Aaron had a hair cut this morning, which now means that once again I have the longest hair in the Bowman family!

Alphabet Songs

2011-03-15T22:25:00.001Z

Aaron can pretty much write any word now, as long as you tell him what letters to write. He loves singing the alphabet too, check it out!

All's well

2011-03-02T11:13:00.006Z

Those lumps that had me worried for days turned out to be a staple. Yep, a staple. I have several titanium staples that were used to close the gap after the tumour was removed. Most women cannot feel them because they're chubbier than I am (my consultant's words!) but I can feel the top one really well. The surgeon did these drawings to help me understand exactly how he stapled me.

My favourite nurse, Frances was there too and she kindly entertained Aaron while I spoke to my superman consultant. They played with bricks for a while, then Aaron wanted to draw. When I was finished talking to my doctor, Aaron showed us his picture and didn't quite understand why we laughed so much when we saw that he's been drawing my breasts too.

After the doc left, I had an emotional chat (as always) with Frances. She is such a fab nurse.

Keep your fingers crossed...

2011-02-28T21:05:00.000Z

... as I go to the hospital tomorrow to have a couple of new lumps investigated. I am incredibly nervous about it. When I spoke to my nurse on the phone she said it was unlikely to be anything dangerous but as this is exactly what they said the first time round, it doesn't really make me feel any better. I am also dreading sitting in the waiting room for ages. Aaron's going with me and it won't be fun for him.

Baby Aaron

2011-02-19T23:03:00.005Z

Aaron is obsessed with babies. He stuffs his top with fluffy animals and pretends to be pregnant. Eventually they come out and then we have to care for his 'babies'. He feeds and cuddles them, he takes them places, sings to them... I tell you he makes a fantastic father already!

Today, at bedtime he asked me to tell him 'about when he was a baby'. So I told him about mommy milk he used to drink and his yeyow blanket and many other things. Then he said: 'Aaawww that is lovely mommy. Now tell me about when I was an alien'

I don't really know anything about his life as an alien so I asked him to tell me. He told me that before he was a baby he was an alien and he had three feet and he could fly everywhere. He could also drive a car but in the end he went back in his space ship.

I believe him.

Here is a picture of me and that circle in my belly is Aaron of course:

Date in Tropical Paradise

2011-02-19T22:21:00.001Z

We're back from our lovely date. It was a week long date, no less, and it was very overdue. We had no vacation last year, we were meant to go to Paris but the Icelandic volcano spoiled our plans. Then we booked a holiday to St Lucia and only a few days before our departure, a massive hurricane hit the island and we could't go. Then there was cancer to deal with. All in all we were in a serious need of break.

Bob's parents kindly offered to have Aaron for a week so we dropped him off at their house on our way to the airport. When I was putting Aaron to bed I laid down with him and we had a lovely chat and a snuggle. I was sad to be leaving him for a whole week. The only couple of days that I didn't see him since he was born happened when I was in hospital for the surgery. And that doesn't count - I was so drugged I didn't even remember to miss anyone. Anyway, so Aaron and I cuddled in bed and I told him that when he wakes up in the morning daddy and mommy wouldn't be there, we'd be on our holiday. He is such an empathetic child he immediately knew I was sad about it so he gently stroked my face and said:

"Don't worry mommy. Daddy will be with you and he will look after you."

He then reassured me that he himself wouldn't miss me and he wouldn't cry after me.

So we jetted off to the Caribbean with no care in the world. When we arrived we were somewhat surprised to find out we had this beautiful house all to ourselves.

It is the most photographed house in St Lucia by the way. Prince Charles and Camilla visited the house (and the plantation it is on) a couple of years ago. They had a photo shoot in it which helped it become even more famous. It is on an amazing organic plantation where they grow most delicious produce that you can just help yourself to, including these yummy edible flowers:

It was a beautiful holiday. St Lucians are cool. The food was delicious. The hummingbirds were awesome. The diving was relaxing. The hiking beautiful. The sun was.. well it was. It was sunny and hot every day. It's never sunny and hot in England so I was just happy to just sit and absorb it.

I didn't want to come back... except that I missed my little man very much and I worried he was missing me. Seeing him after a week was glorious. He was actually out on a little walk when we got home but when he spotted our car he started running. And he run all the way to my arms. For the rest of that day he did not leave me for one moment. He kept saying 'So good to see you mommy and daddy'.

First Hair Cut

2011-01-24T19:03:00.001Z

My hair has been so out of control lately that I once again resorted to wearing hats more often. I've been very precious about every millimetre and didn't want to have any hair cut off. That is until my friend Tor talked some sense into me. She then booked me into a funky little salon and some shape has finally been restored to my head.

Sorry for the awful picture quality.

Bye bye 2010

2011-01-21T23:54:00.004Z

I hope you all had a lovely Christmas. My Christmas was great. You see, last year I knew something was up with that right breast of mine. I didn't know the extent of it, so not wanting to spoil anyone's holidays I kept quiet about it. I remember Christmas Eve, I was getting ready to go to bed when I noticed a tear of blood on my nipple. It scared the c**p out of me and I couldn't sleep. At 2 am I was so worried I texted my friend Laura, who is a nurse and who tried to reassure me so that I would get some sleep. She said it was probably from all those biopsies I had had. I think that was the first time when I thought that maybe they were right and maybe I really DID have cancer.

Well, this year was a completely different story. This year Christmas was magical because we had nothing to worry about and because Aaron, being three, was full of wonder. He was super excited when he discovered Santa's footprints in the morning.

And then he got to open some presents. I love the fact that Aaron was genuinely happy with the few gifts that he got. He didn't expect any more because we made sure he didn't think that Christmas was about presents. I dislike the fact that so many kids are so spoilt and greedy that for them Christmas Day becomes more about getting the right present than Jesus, or family, or love, or whatever Christmas is and should be.

Our Christmas was not gifts centred. We spent the entire week sledging, reading books and drinking mulled wine by log fires. Bob and the kiddies iced Mom's delicious Christmas cake. OK, they probably ate more of it than they slapped on the cake but still...

We also went to see a nativity play in an actual cow shed with real cows in it! We sat on straw and by the end of the evening we all smelled like cows. It was lovely. Not the cow smell. That wasn't lovely. The nativity play was fun though. Oh, and after Christmas, it was my birthday and I got spoiled a little bit more :-)

Merry Christmas

2010-12-23T21:27:00.002Z

A year ago we were chatting online to Danny, our friend in California. He asked: 'so any plans for 2010?' to which Bob replied: 'Yes, our big plan for 2010 is to beat Malina's cancer'. Well, for the first time in many years we kept our New Year's resolution and we did beat that cancer. Here I am alive and well and so very thankful for it. I am currently at Bob's parents house, having a very family oriented Christmas with Bob's brother's family as well. We're drinking sherry and Aaron is smothered in sisterly love by his two cute cousins so all is good.

Thank you so much for all your support throughout the year. All the messages and emails were gratefully received. Sometimes it is easy to forget that I do have good friends out there. It's a shame we live so far away from pretty much all of our good friends (apart from you Jules!). I think it's fair to say that Cornwall hasn't been the most sociable place we've lived, and therefore all the emails and letters you sent me have been appreciated even more.

My resolution for 2011 is to see as many of you as I can! I also hope you will visit us, it is a beautiful part of the world. In the meantime I hope you have a wonderful Christmas and a healthy New Year.

One year on

2010-12-19T00:00:00.002Z

Yesterday I had the loveliest appointment. I got to see my wonderful surgeon. But first things first...

I was kept waiting for two hours and it reminded me of that appointment a year ago when I got diagnosed. I was the very last patient to be seen then and it looked like I was going to be the last patient this time. Once you've read all the trashy magazines in the waiting room and there is nothing else to do, your mind starts to wonder. I started to worry they always keep the bad news patients till last. Well, that wasn't the case at all. I was kept waiting because the doctor wanted to see me personally. He said people like me usually get seen by 'one of his team' and he himself is reserved for the bad news scenarios. For once he wanted to see the good news case. I am sure I mentioned it before but he is the warmest and the nicest man I know. I totally fancy him. But not in 'that' way. I fancy him in a 'patient who adores her hero' way.

I felt very strange when I spoke to him yesterday. It brought back many memories but I was ecstatic to be there, talking to him and knowing that all the treatments are behind me. I got to thank him for saving my life. How often do you get to say that.

Then he had a look at my breasts and he said they were healthy. My right breast has healed very well and he liked the 'perfect' shape he created - he was very pleased with himself. I am sure it's confidential but I'll tell you anyway. Do you remember that Australian singer that went through breast cancer a few years ago? He's seen her breasts and he says mine are better shaped!

He teaches how to do surgeries better and he's going to use pictures of my breasts as an example of how well they can be done. I am very grateful to have had such a wonderful surgeon.

I felt so happy when I left his office. I am clear. Although it's not been the full year since my surgery, I have now officially had all my 1 year checks and I am all well. ALL WELL. ALL WELL!!!!!!! To think how devastated I was last year and how much I've gone through. I am so proud of myself. Please pray that I continue to be healthy.

Bone x-ray

2010-12-18T23:04:00.001Z

We women are told to check our breasts every month and go to the doctors if we find anything alarming. But when, just over a year ago, I found a lump and went to see a GP he said it wasn't cancer because I was too young. He assured me it was only a hormonal lump. He was actually too busy to talk to me; he was running late and he asked me to leave his office without even having a look at me. He even went as far as to say that there were people in the waiting room who were actually sick and ill and they needed his immediate attention and as my lump was not urgent I should leave.

The following month I had a number of biopsies and other tests done. The results were conflicting so I had to go back several times for more tests which all took too much of my precious time. Eventually, a doctor who is the best at biopsies had a go at my breast. At this stage I was told that in their opinion it looked dangerous but as the biopsies kept coming back negative perhaps it really was nothing to worry about. They would give me one last shot and if it came back negative, we would believe the results. Thank God she was really thorough and she did prove it was cancer. Interestingly, that woman turned out to be the wife of my ignorant GP. How can you be a doctor, married to a woman who works with breast cancer patients and yet somehow still believe that 29 is too young to get it?

One of the things that this experience taught me was to never ignore my symptoms. Yes, I might seem a bit obsessed. The slightest pain or a different sensation here or there and I worry it's back. But wouldn't you? I don't trust my body. It failed me. It failed me big time. We all have abnormal cells but our immune systems get rid of them daily. My immune system failed to rid of them though. It could not keep up with those fast dividing abnormal cells and they became cancer. Surely it could happen again.

So when I had a pain in my lower leg which did not disappear for weeks I asked for a test. The pain was not strong but I wanted to find out what it was. On the one hand they tell you to pay attention to what your body tells you, and keep checking yourself but on the other, when you actually ask for a test they make you feel like you are a paranoid idiot who's wasting their time with your hypochondriac inventions.

I also had to have my blood checked this week and my veins are so screwed up that they actually had to let me go without managing to take any blood. Two nurses had several attempts, bruised me nicely but took no blood. Ha! Once I healed I went back and this time a doctor had a go, and succeeded but he had to take it from the inside of my wrist. All I can say is ouch!

Fortunately, my tests came back negative and I am sure I will get the old 'I told you so' when I see my GP next week but I don't care. Perhaps I am a bit paranoid now but I am sure over time I will relax a bit. For now I'd rather be crazy than too late.

Here we go again

2010-11-30T22:22:00.001Z

I've been having some pain in my breast for over a month now which I initially put down to an 'injury' which happened when Aaron, Bob and I were playing. Two Saturdays ago I woke up with a swollen breast - I'd say at least twice the size (or even three times) of the other one. I phoned the centre on Monday and I got to speak to a nurse who seemed really concerned but said it could be a number of things - for example an infection.

The following day I saw a doctor, a very nice lady whose name I cannot remember. She immediately ordered a mammogram and an ultrasound scan. Poor Aaron had to be there with me as I didn't have anywhere to leave him; we brought lots of toys and food to keep him occupied and happy. He promised his Daddy he would look after me which he did brilliantly. I was ok. I knew that I if it was bad news, I would deal with it well. It couldn't be as bad as it was the first time round. I was hoping for good news but was prepared for the worst.

I left Aaron in the waiting room with a nurse and off I went to have the mammogram. When I came back I found Aaron giggling and surrounded by a whole crowd of nurses - they said he was too adorable and a couple of them wanted to take him home! A few minutes later I was called for an ultrasound. As soon as I walked through the door, the sonographer told me the mammogram results did not show any signs of cancer. He knew I was worried so he skipped the introductions etc and quickly told me that I was ok. He then did a really thorough ultrasound (of both sides) and said that apart from the staples, my breast tissue looked perfect.

His opinion is that the swelling is a radiotherapy side effect. Apparently breasts usually swell when they're treated. Mine never did at the time but it obviously has now. Just to be doubly sure I am ok, they offered me another appointment in December.

The scan I had in November is now considered to be my first annual check up. I don't need to go for my scan in January and that is great because I did not want to spend another Christmas wondering if I am ok. I can spend this Christmas properly relaxing and overeating.

It's official

2010-11-02T23:09:00.001Z

My hair is now longer than Bob's! Only just and it might have something to do with him going to the barber's yesterday. I think he was super nice to me and asked for a No 2.

I am now in direct competition with Aaron!

Your monthly update on my hair

2010-10-15T17:04:00.000+01:00

There is no smiley face on the picture today because I don't like the way I look. I cannot wait to have long hair. So far everyone's been very kind and when I ask if they think I look like a man they say 'no'. But I do look like a man and I know it because children do not lie. I was at a toddler party today where a little boy asked me if I was a mommy or a daddy!!! I didn't get his question at first so he explained: I don't know if you are Aaron's mommy or daddy. Needles to say I am digging my scarves and my wig out again.

2010-10-12T21:49:00.000+01:00

I had a check up at Trelisick today. Ever since I got the appointment letter through my door, I had been nervous about today.

My friend (and super mom) Jules, who knows about my every appointment offered to have Aaron for the afternoon so that I could go to the doctors and not worry about him. By the way, going to Jules' house is Aaron's idea of heaven. Her kids have got to be the luckiest boys in Cornwall, with that amazing playroom. And they have pets. And, the coolest of all - Jules drives a van. Oh, and she feeds him ice cream, strawberries and chocolate for pudding. You cannot blame him for being totally in love with her.

Anyway, back to my story - I left Aaron with Jules and off to the hospital I went. I didn't actually get to see my doctor. I saw a junior doctor who did not know any answers to my questions so kept popping out of the room to check with my doctor. He was really nice but I never understand why I cannot talk to my doctor directly.

We went over several issues, nothing too major. And then I mentioned the pain I've had in my hip for a while and he said it was unlikely but unfortunately possible that the cancer had spread to the bones. Jeez! I had a quick hip scan to see what is going on. I am sure I only had to wait about 10 minutes for the results but it felt like much longer. I was so worried and so nervous that I thought I would literally be sick. Fortunately, the doc came in and said there is definitely no cancer there, in fact the hip looks very healthy and I probably sprained it through exercise. In fairness I've had a slight problem (and I really mean 'slight' problem) with that hip for many years, ever since my dancing days but now, being totally paranoid, I wanted it checked. Fortunately it turned out that it was indeed just paranoia and I have NO cancer anywhere in me. YEAH!

When I left the hospital there were mandatory tears, of course (can I ever go there and NOT cry?) and I could not wait to get home and share my good news with Bob. Now off to have a celebratory glass of wine.

Follow ups

2010-10-07T15:28:00.003+01:00

I had a radiotherapy follow up appointment last week which I did not attend. I had no questions to ask and my skin looks well so I didn't have any worries.

OK, this is a bit gross, but I'll tell you exactly what my skin looks like. Because the radiotherapy machine is square, it treats a square piece of your skin (in my case around my right breast). For the first 3 weeks of the treatment the skin gets a little pinker with each day and it looks like you've developed a bizarre square sun tun. It doesn't hurt so no biggie.

During the next 2 weeks the treatment is more localised and it feels more intense but over a smaller area. The skin reddens much quicker and by the end of the treatment it looks very dark. (I wish I took some pictures to show you just how bad it looked.) Then it gets worse for a couple of weeks and ... well in my case it just peels off. I just rolled it off me, like dirt. All gone.

I am still discoloured (I just look like I have an uneven sun tun) but I have none of that angry burnt skin. It never felt like a burn anyway but it did look like it. I am just amazed that it didn't hurt.

I have another follow up appointment soon which I will be attending and which I am very nervous about. I'll be seeing my oncologist, who will hopefully tell me that all is well.

Lets Get Physical

2010-09-21T21:50:00.000+01:00

I would like to get fit. I don't know about you but I definitely need the exercise to feel well.

But before I started any training I wanted to measure how (un)fit I am at the moment so I asked a Navy friend, Helen (who is a PT instructor) to conduct a VO2 Max test on me. The VO2Max test is undertaken by everyone in the Royal Navy yearly to prove they are fit enough to serve.

You either fail or achieve a 'Pass', 'Good', 'Very Good' or an 'Excellent' and I was really hoping to get a 'Pass'. I wasn't convinced I would do, considering what my body has been through in the last 9 months.

Before the test Bob said to me:

'To get an accurate picture of your true fitness level you really have to push yourself. You'll think you want to pass out and be sick but it's ok, you've got to run through it'

Me: 'Err, ok... but what if I do pass out?'

Bob: 'Oh, don't worry, we'll bring you round!'

So with that in mind we started the test. At first it was really easy but it soon became a torture. You know you only have 1 minute in each level but each successive level is harder than the last, and it gets harder and harder until you just do not want to play any more. In my case it happened right after I reached the Excellent threshold!!! Yes, excellent!! I was stoked!

I have another test in 11 weeks and the goal is to keep going for an extra minute and a half. I'll let you know if I managed that in December.

Good times

2010-09-13T00:00:00.015+01:00

It's been almost 2 weeks since my easy breezy radiotherapy finished and right now I am supposed to be at my worst but I couldn't feel any better! The nausea has lifted and the energy levels are already going up.

We had a wonderful few days over the last weekend. It was sunny (yay!) so we hit the beach. We played in the sun and laughed with friends and ate ice cream all weekend. Bob took some photos too.

I love this picture because it captures the moment when I told Bob that I could move my arms above my head with no pains in my veins. I am sure you'll remember how I whined about my veins when I was on chemotherapy. I am so pleased and so grateful that I can move freely and painlessly again!

Hairy

2010-09-03T22:03:00.001+01:00

I realise I write a lot about my hair (or the lack of it) but it was an awesome day for my hair and I wanted to share it with you. Firstly, let me tell you my hair is growing nicely and it's super thick. You cannot see ANY scalp through it and you can imagine just how lush it will be when it's a bit longer.

Whilst grocery shopping today, this woman came up to me and said something on the lines of: "Wow, I am so jealous. I'd love to have a hair cut like you but I just don't have the face to pull it off. I've always wanted to have your hair style. Man, I really wish I had a face like you".

I was pretty shocked to learn that there is a someone who actually thinks I look cool! (Unlike this little boy that came up to me last weekend and said I looked like a cancer patient because I had no hair. Errr, excuse me little boy but I DO have some hair, thank you very much. In his defence though, I was wearing a scarf and there was no hair sticking out at the sides or at the bottom like any other person would have, so it probably really looked like I had NO hair there. Wow, that was a long parenthesis)

Anyway, the second awesome thing that happened to my hair today was when Bob got back home from work, having had a hair cut earlier on. He pointed out that his hair (but only at the back and the sides) was shorter than mine! That means that some of my hair is LONGER than Bob's! I actually burst out crying. No idea why, didn't expect to cry over it but I was so.. so.. well I don't know what.. but it stirred something inside me and I just couldn't help but cry.

Radiotherapy done!

2010-09-03T16:19:00.001+01:00

I've finished my radio. 5 weeks of daily treatments are finished. My skin is is red and angry but it doesn't hurt too bad. In fact it doesn't hurt unless I rub against it so it's definitely way better than I imagined it would be. My radiologist says it looks better than other people's that she sees (so perhaps there is something in that 'tissue regeneration' diet that I am on) but it will continue to get worse for 2 weeks before it starts to get better.

Tiredness is still an issue for me. I need to learn 'not to burn what I don't have' - in the words of my yoga teacher. I go to yoga on Thursday evenings but I had such a busy day yesterday (lots to do with Aaron and a theatre rehearsal) that I begrudgingly offered my place in the yoga class to Bob. I love my yoga so you know I must have been super tired if I was prepared to give up my space. Well, I did actually go as Bob wasn't interested in my hippy class. While there, all I could think about was just how tired I was; even the child pose was uncomfortable. When I got back in, I went straight to bed and slept from 2200 till 9.15 am this morning when Aaron woke up (yes, I know how lucky I am! Aaron still loves his sleep. He's very kindly napping right now as well, giving me the chance to write this blog entry). Anyway, I feel better today but I know I have to take it slow for another month or so.

Radiotherapy - Part 2

2010-08-19T22:40:00.004+01:00

My radiotherapy plan is divided into two sections. Today I finished the first part of the treatment which consisted of nuking the whole breast for the duration of three weeks.

From tomorrow on, the treatment will be more intense but it won't penetrate the body as deeply. Additionally, it will only treat the exact site where the tumour was and the journey it made when it was being removed. I probably won't even notice the difference. I don't have many side effect anyway; the worst one is tiredness but fortunately as Bob is currently on his 3 week holiday I can afford to nap most days.

As I mentioned in another post the machines tend to break a lot as well, twice this week already I went to the hospital only to be told to go home because the machines weren't working. There are only two of them for all the people of Cornwall and there are hundreds of people that need treatment - you can imagine what chaos it causes when they don't work.

I have now been put on Tamoxifen - a drug that I will continue to take for 5 years (that is on the days when I actually remember to take it). I sure hope the associated nausea eases off after a while because I don't really want to have it for 5 years.

My hair is sprouting!

2010-08-10T23:17:00.000+01:00

My hair is coming back. Even Aaron cannot deny it any more. We were hugging the other day and he said: I love your hair!

He loves my hair!!! All 2mm of it!

Radiotherapy

2010-08-10T23:14:00.000+01:00

I started my radiotherapy a couple of weeks ago. It's going pretty well and so far I have not been too sore. They've given me some cream that I don't actually use because I prefer a natural one that the lovely Heather from the Natural Store gave me.

I have a great team of radiologists who patiently answer all my questions. The other day they explained more about the therapy itself and in a nutshell it works like this: cancer cells are not as well built as our own cells. They are unstable and relatively easy to destroy. They also don't repair themselves very well. So when they are exposed to radiation they get damaged and die. Unfortunately, healthy tissue gets damaged too, including the DNA but it should repair itself in time.

Because your body works hard to repair itself, one of the most common side effects you get is tiredness. And boy, do I get tired! It's not terrible (I still go to the gym etc) but I am usually really knackered by the end of the day. It might also have something to do with the fact that I am out of the door by 7.15 every morning. At least I don't have to drive to the hospital, I actually have my own driver. Mario comes and picks me up every morning and amuses me with his stories on the way there.

As I mentioned earlier the lovely radiologists answer all my questions and today we talked about the machine which you can see in the picture and which, by the way, costs £1.5m! It is a lot of money for a machine that breaks frequently. There are many parts to it and when one little thing breaks, the whole machine doesn't work. When that happens all the patients then have to be treated on the other machine which of course creates delays. Fortunately it has not affected me so far because I go early in the morning before the machine is worked too hard.

Another interesting fact I learnt is that you have to walk through a maze before you get to the radiotherapy room and that is in case some radiation gets out. If there was a straight corridor to the waiting room you'd risk some radiation getting out but in the maze the radiation bounces between the walls and by the time it reaches the waiting room it loses its strength.

More to follow. Now off to bed.

I'm still here

2010-07-27T17:41:00.002+01:00

I haven't written for a while because there was no cancer and no treatments to write about. Last month was all about my usual life - doing fun things with Aaron and Bob, teaching music, going to the beach, going to the Culdrose Ball (that Bob organised - it was wicked!), friends and family visiting, growing vegetables in our own garden and having to answer a million of WHYs a day (just a phase Aaron is going through).

All of that is about to change though. My radiotherapy starts tomorrow and I will be going to the hospital every day for nearly five weeks. I have scheduled my appointments for the mornings so the good thing is I will be done by 10 am. That also means I will need to get up before 7 am every morning.

Wish me good luck!

Tattooes

2010-06-25T14:56:00.002+01:00

I went to my radiography planning appointment the other day and I felt like an alien. With my bald head I look like an alien anyway but when they told me to lie down in this spaceship like machine that sounded like it was about to take off I imagined that I was in fact an alien. There was a big crowd of them watching me - my oncologist, some radio therapists and their students. It felt like they've never seen anything like me. Several people came to measure me (they even measured the distance between my elbows) and to scan me to see where we aliens have lungs and heart. They actually do it so that when they radiotherapy me, they can avoid frying the heart and lungs.

Then they drew on my chest and tattooed me. I got three tattoos, one on each side and one right in the middle of my chest. They're just tiny dots that you can hardly see and they are there to save them measuring me every time I go for my radio treatment.

So I am all set for radio now and I have another 5 weeks before it starts.

Just to let you know

2010-06-17T08:29:00.002+01:00

I've had my chemo number 6 and although the cycle is not finished for another 2 weeks, the worst is definitely over. NEVER AGAIN! (I hope).

It's all good here, I've been out and about since Tuesday. My friends were definitely right when they said the last chemo is the best because you know it's all over and you suddenly find all that energy that you don't need to preserve any more.

Have a great day eveyone, we're off to enjoy a beautiful Cornish day.

Life After Breast Cancer Calendar

2010-06-10T18:24:00.000+01:00

I want to tell you about this amazing project I am involved in. Some mermaids at Polurrian and Budock Vean + Marks and Spencers + Mark from Face Photography + Amanda and her Made for Life + students from Falmouth uni + make up artists = calendar! It's being launched at the Royal Cornwall Show this weekend - go to stand 267 in the Eden Craft Marquee if you're at the show.

I am so excited about this. You will be able to buy it from M&S from October. All I can tell you about the calendar is that you will see 27 mermaids showing a lot of skin! In some of the photos we're topless!!!

Here is a little preview:

6 months on

2010-06-09T22:56:00.002+01:00

It's been six months since the day I found out I had cancer. I went for my 6 month check up last week and as I was waiting for the doctor to come in I was thinking about that day 6 months ago that changed my life. Cancer and the treatment has defined the last 6 months and unfortunately it will have a profound impact on my future life too.

As I was thinking about it all, my favourite nurse ever, Frances, came in. It was so lovely to see her. We talked about all my worries and we talked about the surgery and my treatment. I was impressed how much she remembered about me. I was surprised because she sees a lot of patients every day and last time I saw her was half a year ago. She was my nurse when I was going through the biopsies and the surgery but after that I transferred to oncology.

I asked her if she had just read up on me or if she had an amazing memory. She said there are some patients you just don't forget. She was there when I was told I had cancer. She said she'd never forget it. And that Aaron watched Bob the Builder afterwards (we can fix it!). And that we waited for Bob to take us home and he arrived in his ridiculous cycling gear.

As she was telling me what she remembered I was telling myself not to well up. But of course I started crying. All those horrible feelings came back. I remembered going home and not being able to sleep that night, it was the worst night of my life. I remembered that the following day Bob got sick too, he was in bed and so for the next few days I didn't really have anyone to talk to about it all. They were the hardest days. When you just don't understand why and how and how bad it is and how long you have. But I am in a much better place now. My cancer is gone. I am nearly done with the chemotherapy. I know I will be ok.

After we had a good cry, the doctor came in, checked me out and said I was fine. He explained to me that I have not lost my feeling in the right arm (I thought I had as the section between my elbow and shoulder is a bit numb). He explained that because I could indeed feel his touch I was experiencing altered sensation and not a loss of feeling. That's good because altered sensation can get better and those sharp pains I am getting are indeed my nerves waking up. Another good thing about my right arm is that I have the full range of movement again.

It's been tough 6 months but all in all things are going all right.

Scarves

2010-06-06T23:00:00.002+01:00

I've been meaning to post some pictures of my scarves ever since Sue sent me a beautiful one ages ago. Well, a couple of days ago I went to the beach with my best friend Marta and our kids. Marta likes my scarves so much she wore one herself that day. As we were sunbathing some surfer girl came up to us and said she loved my scarf and wanted to know how to tie her hair in her scarf to get that look! I for sure would prefer to ditch the scarves and have some hair instead but I was really pleased she actually liked it! Anyway, this is what I wear these days:

Magma tied it for me - it's always two scarves layered for a fuller looking head (otherwise it's obvious there is no hair underneath!)

This blue scarf is from lovely Sue M. She sent it to me with a matching bangle as well.

Egg head

2010-06-06T21:16:00.002+01:00

I had some friends over on Friday and one of them, a hairdresser, wanted to see my bald head. I took the scarf off and showed her my three hairs that are starting to grow back. All my friends were cool with my naked head so I stayed bald for the rest of the day. I felt a little bit uneasy at first as I don't really know what people really think - I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable. But it felt liberating too, almost like coming out of hiding.

I've also been getting pretty hot in all those scarves in the past few days as it's been really sunny in Cornwall. So I didn't cover my naked head when I went to the doctors on Friday and I didn't even cover my head when I went shopping later.

Look Good Feel Better is fab

2010-06-02T05:30:00.006+01:00

If you haven't heard about Look Good Feel Better, it is a cancer support charity that helps women manage the visible side effects of cancer treatment. I went to their skincare and make-up workshop yesterday and I left with thicker eyebrows as well as a bag full of goodies, worth £250 ($370). Most major beauty companies donate their products to the charity and it's everything you need for your make up. So not only do they teach you how to use it all but you get to keep all the cleansers, blushes, moisturisers, brushes, eye shadows, lipsticks and more - fab!

Number 5....

2010-05-28T11:43:00.004+01:00

... was not pleasant.

Only one more to go. 5 weeks and it'll all be done.

Race for Life Day

2010-05-09T23:37:00.002+01:00

I've had a really fun day today. The race was fab. I think there must have been over 2000 ladies running today and amongst them my friends Liz, her 4 year old daughter Anna, Carly, Daya and my friend Tor whom I actually run with.

While the husbands, parents and children played on the beach we went for our little run. Tor was cracking jokes all the way uphill (and downhill probably too but I was not aware of any dowhills). Yeah, she's one of those people that can run AND talk at the same time.

I was actually quite pleased with myself because I wasn't sure if I'd be able to run all the way, considering I only had chemo on Tuesday. But I didn't need to walk, I did run all the way and we did it in 32 (or 33?) minutes.

That almost justifies the three bacon and sausage butties I had for lunch and the yummy carvery I had for dinner!

This is me kicking cancer's ass. This kick was requested by Simon and Anthea.

Number 4

2010-05-08T21:31:00.010+01:00

Here is the good news. I had chemo on Tuesday (not on Monday because of the bank holiday) and it means I am now two thirds of the way through!

Because of my low blood count I had to have a test done in the morning to see if I had recovered enough to have the chemo. Luckily I did recover and because of an extra day this cycle (bank holiday) my bloods were better than ever since the beginning of the treatment.

I was ready to be injected, with the cannula in my hand when they told me they hadn't actually made the drugs for me yet and because they were going for lunch I had to wait till 1500 (I arrived at 1100). It was a little frustrating because having chemo is not very pleasant and having to sit in the waiting room for half a day to receive it is no fun either. Fortunately Bob was with me so it was not all bad.

The chemo finally arrived and I was ok receiving it until the second drug. That's the one that gives you funny taste. It can also give you nasty mouth ulcers so you are meant to eat ice while you are receiving it to restrict the blood flow (and therefore the chemotherapy drugs) to the mouth. The ice machine was broken and instead of ice chips I got some shaved ice and some water. The smell of this drug is enough to turn my stomach but coupled with the horrible water, it made me gag. Ever since I have not been able to drink water because it reminds me of the chemo too much, it literally makes me want to puke. I now drink a lot of sprite and other sugary and carbonated drinks that I would not have normally.

After the treatment we went straight home and had a lovely dinner with Bob's parents. And then I thought the nausea would get me soon, as it normally does, so determined to make the most of the remaining couple of hours of feeling well, I went for a run. It was a lovely little run in the sun.

The following day I spent mostly in bed recovering and on Thursday I was up and about a little more. Bob's parents looked after us all and they did a fab job too.

Speed Wobble

2010-05-02T20:56:00.006+01:00

People tell me that I am brave and my positivity is inspiring. But, honestly, I am neither brave nor positive. Not any more than you would be in my shoes. How I deal with it all is the same way I would deal with boring paperwork. I put it away. I just shove all the negativity to the deepest part of my brain and I don't allow myself to go there. What would be the point? To remember all the things from my life that I regret so dearly? To feel sorry for myself and for my family? To torment myself by imagining Aaron growing up without his mommy? I refuse to do it.

There are times when I feel like the best part of my life is over. Nonetheless I have decided the right thing to do is to get on with the treatment and hope for the best. 'What ifs' are not going to help now, are they?

This week however I could not escape all the dark thoughts. Firstly, I heard stories of women who did not make it. Then I had to share my bad news with an old friend whom I hadn't spoken to for a few months.

And then, sadly we lost one of our Mermaids. I never met her personally but we belonged to the same group of local women who are fighting breast cancer. She was waaay too young to go. UNFAIR!

Wherever I've looked these past few days I've seen how devastating cancer is and my mind could not settle, day or night. This is my third week, when, physically I feel my best, so why am I wasting my time and thinking the unthinkable? Good question. I won't do it again. The armour is back on.

Race for Life

2010-04-27T10:34:00.002+01:00

I am doing my first Race for Life in a couple of weeks!! I have just registered and am slightly nervous. It's only 5k so that's not a problem (although I hear it's quite a hilly run) but it's going to be in my first week of chemo. Exactly 5 days after being injected with my wonderful cocktails. I hope I can run it. But I promise I will definitely do it, run or walk - even if I have to puke all the way.

If you would like to sponsor me, you can do so either off or online. Here is the link to my sponsorship page: http://www.raceforlifesponsorme.org/missoestrogenpositive

Flowers

2010-04-24T22:22:00.004+01:00

I have had a continual supply of flowers from my friends and family ever since I found out I had cancer nearly 4 months ago. When I got some tulips from Amy last week I thought that that would be my last lot but I was wrong! Another big box arrived today with most beautiful flowers. Thank you so much peeps. The Belgian chocolates were a nice touch too. They are soo delicious that they are simply too good to share. Aaron and Bob are allowed to look at them. OK, they can sniff too.

Thank you very much to each and every one of you for sending such lovely cards, happy thoughts, flowers, book and a lavender bear, lovely oils and a beautiful scarf (more in another post about that). You're great.

Fate does not want me in Paris

2010-04-20T21:44:00.032+01:00

The first time we book our holiday in plenty of time and we cannot even go. Bob and I never book our holidays in advance. It's usually a last minute flight purchase and we work out all the details on the plane. Once, when we were really tired, after a 20 hour flight (and after having our luggage lost) we just followed this girl from our plane to her hotel because we overheard her saying that that hotel was supposed to be a good place to hang out .

Now that we're responsible parents and all, we actually booked both our flights and the hotel months ago. Probably because it wasn't just going to be a mini vacation, I was also meant to be singing in a few places around Paris, including Notre Dame. Well, it turns out it does not pay to plan things in advance because lots of things can happen in the meantime. You might get cancer. Or you might be stopped by a volcano. You know, those every day things. (For my friends outside Europe - there was a volcano eruption in Iceland and because of the ash in the air there is no flying in Western Europe.) Now we're doubly sure we're not going anywhere.

Today is Bob's last day of his 2 week holiday. Despite the chemo and despite the fact we stayed in Cornwall we still had a blast. Mostly down to the fact that this chemo cycle is going really well and also because the weather is so great.

When putting Aaron to bed tonight I asked him what he enjoyed the most during those 2 weeks. He said: catching crabs on the beach with Daddy, building tractors in the sand, looking for dragons in the caves, hiking, having his cousins over for a few days, Easter egg hunting and ice cream eating.

Then I ask if he would like to sing a song before he goes to sleep.
Aaron: Yeah! Lets sing Ba pa bashee
I am not sure what it is but I start singing "Ba ba black sheep have you any wool"
Aaron: No, mummy. "Pa ba basheee" please
Me: That's what I am singing. Ba ba black shee...
Aaron: No, mummy!
Me: What song do you want then?
Aaron: I need pa pa pashee
Me: OK, I don't know this one. Take your pacifier out of your mouth so I can hear you clearly. Why don't you sing it to mommy.
Aaron: Pa pa paparazzi. Promise you'll be fine but I won't stop until that boy is mine. Baby you'll be famous, chase you down until you love me. Pa pa paparazzi.

Yep, it's Lady Gaga and he knows ALL the above words. It sounds hilarious coming from a 2 year old. We might not be in Paris but this is the best piece of music I've heard all year. Just the perfect end to our holiday.

Oh no!

2010-04-19T23:46:00.002+01:00

I have started to lose my eyebrows and eyelashes!!! That makes me sad.